The Day that Changed Us

This is a picture of the day that changed my life. I remember that day well. In fact, just a few years ago, I went into my childhood home where, like watching a scene from an old video reel, I remembered seeing the look on my mom's face as she took the call from the wall phone in the kitchen doorway. Someone from the bakery called to say my dad had been in a wreck. I was 9 years old at the time, so I didn't really totally understand what was going on, but I knew whatever it was, it was bad.  I just remember asking Mom,  "Did Dad die?"

My dad left for work that morning and didn't come home for months. He left that morning able to mow the yard, play ball with us, push us on the swings, all the normal things dads do. By the time he came home several months later, it was just a day-to-day struggle to survive. 

The newspaper writer said in the article that Dad was expected to make a full recovery. What he didn't know was the life long implications of the injuries he sustained. He had a broken back, 7 broken ribs, a collapsed lung, broken nose, and his left leg was crushed into fragments from mid-thigh to below the knee. I remember when they talked about putting dad in a full body cast because his injuries were so vast. Thankfully, they were able to treat him without that being the case. 

I remember feeling so sad for him when I went in to see him and saw his leg hanging from the metal contraption they had hanging from the ceiling. He had rods going through the bones in his leg that were connected by rods on the outside that were holding his leg up in traction. My dad was naturally a slender man, but during that time he became gaunt and frail, much more than his normal 39 year old self had ever been. 

Those first few days were only the beginning of how the wreck would change the course of the rest of all of our lives. Over the following years, dad would have nearly 30 pulmonary embolisms and commonly dealt with blood clots throughout his body due to poor circulation from his injuries. In one of his numerous surgeries after the wreck, he had a stimulator implanted into his back to control chronic pain and that metal box was there for the rest of his life. They removed much of the bone fragments in his left leg and fused what remained together. That shortened his left leg by 2 and 1/2 inches, which resulted and a severe limp. Over the years, his spine curved to compensate. 

Eventually the circulation issues led to 5 heart attacks and a stroke. Even in the last couple of years of his life he fought cellulitis in his left leg that was difficult to heal because of the lack of circulation. His left foot stayed swollen and sore most of the time.

Although dad suffered the rest of his life due to the impact of that day, so did the rest of the family. I remember many calls where Mom got up in the middle of the night to run to the hospital because Dad had fallen into a critical state again. Some of those nights, we had to go along because Mom was afraid she might not be back for a while. 

We practically grew up in hospital waiting rooms, eating out of the vending machines and mining for lost coins underneath the machines and in the coin return slots was what we did for fun!  We slept many nights on the vinyl and metal chairs in the waiting room at Indian Path Hospital and then went to school the next morning. I was often tardy or even absent from school altogether, putting me behind on my schoolwork a lot of the time. I missed 19 days of school that year.

All of those things are part of who I am today. With regular hospital stays, visits to Duke for specialized treatment and Mom having to tend to Dad when he was home in between events, we all learned very quickly that it wasn't about us. We learned to do for ourselves and to depend on each other. We managed our own homework, and all of us actually got good grades despite the rollercoaster we were on most days. We learned to cook our own meals too. We learned humility as we punched our free lunch card in the school cafeteria line due to Dad no longer being able to work. We learned to do without a lot during those days. Expensive name brands and having the latest/greatest still doesn't impress me to this day!

We definitely had more stress than children should have to go through, but that fateful day changed a lot of things for the good for us as well. What a lot of people didn't know at the time was, when my dad wrecked, he and Mom were in the process of a divorce. Dad had moved out, and the paperwork to finalize things would have come up in only a few days. This is where I can't help but think of the phrase I have so often heard: "But God."

Even through all the hard times, God was giving us the blessing of a simple life. As we all became comfortable with our new normal, we had many blessings that most kids will never experience. My dad was home when we got off the school bus in the afternoons. When he was able to cook, he cooked a southern feast of soup beans, cornbread, fried potatoes and homemade pineapple upside-down cake for dessert! We sat outside, swinging in the porch swing in the evenings. A few times when Mom was at the beauty shop, he played Atari with us, scrambling to get up and move before Mom caught him when she pulled into the garage! He sang with us songs I will never, ever forget. Froggy Went A-Courtin' and Let Us Have a Little Talk with Jesus were a couple of his favorites. We watched Little House on the Prairie, The Waltons, The Jeffersons and Gunsmoke while Dad popped popcorn in the fireplace. We had homemade Easter baskets every year, and stockings filled with candy and fruit. We always had a watermelon, Dad's favorite, on the 4th of July. We were never short on laughter when Dad was around with his quick wit and sense of humor.

As tragic as my dad's wreck was, that day had a powerful impact on our futures from then on. I often find myself thinking back to that day, wondering how different life would have been had it not happened. My parents would have likely been divorced, as young as they were would have probably remarried, and I would have had an entirely different life. One thing I know for sure: Mom and Dad deeply loved each other. As I watched my parents' dying days unravel, one thing that carried us all through was the knowledge of how deeply they loved and needed each other. 

I have always been aware that I think differently than a lot of people. A big part of my mindset was shaped that day. Even as a small child, I became acutely aware of how short life is, and how fast it can change. It taught me to never take a second for granted and to always try to treat people as though it might be the last time you see them, because you never know when that person walks out the door if that will be the last time you'll see them. It made me extremely loyal to those I love, and it made me learn to put their needs before my own. 

Those tough years, with Mom and Dad's marital problems before the wreck and Dad's health problems after, made me savor the "good days"-the days with no fussing and fighting and no pain and suffering- and soak them in, a feeling I still crave today. Just normal, ordinary days that are more precious than anything money can ever buy. That's all I needed then and that's all I strive for today- a simple life full of true blessings, the ones you can see so clearly when they are nearly taken away. What a wonderful thing it would be if we could understand that without the pain of the lesson first.

Article printed in the Bristol Herald Courier

Article printed in the Kingsport Times News

   Some homemade cards I made for Dad

Just off the plane, returning from another procedure at Duke

Dad arriving at Tri-Cities Airport  from Duke. The box attached to his belt was the control to the stimulator they implanted into his back

Broken Sis with a Broken Wrist

My family, with my big brother Kevin in the middle.

It's been a hard week. Actually, it's been a hard several weeks, but this past week takes the cake.

As I type this with one hand due to my broken right wrist, I am looking down at the cards and notes that have been sent to us this week. I am in awe of how loved we are and we didn't even know it. I am so thankful for friends and family who gathered around us in a time of need to hold us together. I'm thankful for friends who fed us and cleaned for us, and for money and gift cards for food and groceries that were collected to help replace my lost income. Each day I was met with kind and compassionate words through cards, texts, visits and phone calls. My goodness, how people have loved on us!

This awful saga began a few weeks ago just after a relaxing cabin trip with friends during fall break. We were cleaning up around the yard when I decided it would be a good idea to clean out the unused playhouse in our back yard. I carefully stepped inside the rope climbing ladder to reach further into the playhouse, gathered my arms full of things and then stepped back, one foot successfully and the other...well, not. As I was going down in what seemed like a slo-mo movie, I was actually thinking, "Don't put your hands down!", but apparently God thought it would be a great idea to wire us up to do just exactly that when we fall. So, at the very last minute, down went my right hand. "Crunnnccchhh!" I heard it. I felt it. I knew without a doubt that it was not only broken, but messed up badly. I sat there dreading to look, but I finally got my nerve up. It looked sort of like an accordion.

I actually had a question to God run through my mind right then: "Does this mean I am going to be needed by Mom and Dad?" I feared the worst was approaching. Dad had not been doing well for several weeks. Maybe I needed to be out of commission to be available to them? I had no idea how much they were going to need me.

A few days after my injury, I had surgery to repair my wrist. My oldest brother, Kevin, who lived about 3 hours away, called me. He said he was worried about me and wanted to help. He was coming the next weekend to take care of Mom and Dad's needs since I couldn't. He said while he was here that he wanted to cook us dinner and drop it by. He made us an enormous pan of baked spaghetti (one side without meat just for me!), complete with bread, salad and chocolate marble cheesecake for dessert. He hung around a few minutes when he came with the food and we talked. He talked about the lot he was grading down for the house he was building. He talked about his grandkids and what amazing things they say and do. He talked about Mom and Dad and funny things they said that day while he was there. It was just a normal visit, with normal conversation and a normal goodbye hug when he left. I watched him back his new truck down my driveway, and I cringed as I heard the hitch on the back scrape the pavement as he backed onto the road. I waved as he drove away, not knowing because of the darkness if he saw me or not. I saw the orange lights on the running boards of the truck. I admired how clean and shiny his trucks always are. That was the last time I saw him. As I type those words, I'm still in disbelief that I will never see my brother on this earth again.

The week after I saw him last, he would leave this world for eternity. Looking back, we can all see warning signs that he was pushing too hard..working incessantly and not getting enough rest, not taking care of his health like he should, pushing his body to it's limit. But, this is Kevin we are talking about. He has done that his entire life! What he did on the days leading up to his death was nothing different from any other day in his world. But on that day, November 8, 2018, his heart had reached it's breaking point. It simply stopped beating. And just like that, this man, this invincible, unstoppable man, was gone.

I had lost my big brother, and that is not something you can ever prepare to do. My parents, though, had lost a son. Their first son, the one they had when they were just newlywed teens living in Germany while my dad served in the Army. Their baby boy.

My dad had been declining for a couple of weeks before this tragedy struck our family. He was having such extreme back pain, possibly related to his pancreatic cancer, that he ended up in the emergency room and urgent care a couple of times in the weeks prior to Kevin's passing. He had been spending more and more time lying in bed, which is the only relief he could get from hurting.

My phone had rung at 7:00 am that Thursday morning. My sister said Kevin's wife, Valerie, heard him fall and ran to check on him. She quickly realized how serious the situation was, so she called for help and began CPR. Just a few minutes after we hung up, my sister called again. This time, all I heard was Marla screaming my name. I knew he was gone. My knees went weak. I froze for a while, trying to wrap my head around what I had just been told. My next thought was that I need to get to Mom and Dad.

They had already been told when I got there. Dad was lying on the bed crying, and mom was sitting in her recliner crying the "mom who has lost her child" cry. The rest of that day seems like one big blurry picture. All I really remember afterwards was that Dad was not doing well. His blood sugar reached over 600 and wouldn't respond to insulin. His blood pressure was out the roof. About 11:00 p.m., we headed to the ER.

After several doses of insulin and some monitoring, they let us leave about 5:30 a.m. I took Dad home and tucked him in bed. He was crying himself to sleep as I slipped out the door. I drove home and looked at the clock, realizing I had only an hour and a half until my post-op doctor's appointment to get my stitches out and a new cast on. I laid down wearing the clothes I had on, got up about 30 minutes later and headed out the door to my appointment.

The nurse cut off my splint and I saw my arm for the first time. Right then and there, the events of the past 24 hours spilled out of my heart. I lost it. I mean, I completely lost it. I think I scared the poor nurse to death. She thought I was afraid to have the stitches removed! She had no idea what the past day had been for me. The stitches were just the final straw that broke the camel's back.

For the next several days, my dad could hardly sit up. He wasn't able to stand without help. He wasn't able to walk, even on his walker, without help. He wouldn't eat. He laid in the bed in the only position he could that he didn't hurt. Mom cried on and off all day. Everywhere she looked there was a reminder of Kevin: the ceramic apple cookie jar on the top of the cabinet. The Donald Trump doll in the sunroom. The red can opener on the kitchen counter. The violet he carried in to her the last time he came. His mark is all over that house. He spent the last several years making sure they knew how much he loved them. 

I will quote our former pastor by saying, "Everybody's hurting." You never know what someone is going through. Life has a way of kicking you in the gut at times. Sometimes we just have to stand on up and keep going, even though our legs are collapsing underneath us, and sometimes we need to lie down in the middle of Stone Drive during lunchtime traffic because we can't take another step, and just pray we don't get run over.

Be kind. Be compassionate. Love on your neighbors, hold up your friends when they are weak. Feed them when they are hungry, and cry with them when they are sad.

Love your family and cherish every moment you spend together. Don't just live every day like it's your last..live it like it could be theirs. Life is short. Life is fleeting. Life is precious, every single one.

1 Peter 4:10(NIV)

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.

Galatians 6:2(NIV)
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

1 Peter 3:8(NIV)

Suffering for Doing Good

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.

Hang on, Baby

When my boys were babies, I heard a Christian speaker say that when her kids were small, she had a rule of never being the first to let go when they gave her a hug. She believed that sometimes kids won’t come to their parents and say, “I’m scared”, “Im stressed”, “I need to feel loved”, and other feelings children struggle with sometimes. If you pay close attention, though, you can often read these things by observing their actions.

After hearing this, I made a conscious choice to always parent by that thought. When my toddlers came up and climbed onto my lap, I never had them sit down beside me instead. Sometimes I had all of them sitting on me at once, and sometimes my legs went numb! Still, I made a choice to let them hang on as long as they needed. I also did the “no limit hugging” the speaker suggested. As they got bigger, I never quit practicing this habit, and my boys never quit hugging. Some of their hugs were short and sweet. Sometimes the hugs were ambush hugs, where they ran up while my hands were occupied in dishwater or bread dough and gave me a quick on-the-run hug. Many times, though, the hugs were long. Awkwardly long. Those were the hugs I knew they needed most. 

My boys are 22, 20 and 14 now, and the rule still applies. Just a couple of weeks ago, one of my sons was going through a trial that created a lot of stress for him. He stepped up to give me a hug, and I wrapped my arms around his waist as he laid his head on my shoulder. He stayed. He stayed a long time. This boy, who is expected to be a man and who takes pride in handling things himself, needed to know he wasn’t alone. He needed to feel safe, loved and protected. 

I think about those hugs I’ve gotten like that over the years. I feel thankful that my boys know that no matter what they are going through that Mom is right here with them through whatever comes. I love my boys and want them to always think of me as constant, reliable and available. I want them to feel like no matter what, Mom will be there for them.

I don’t know how to fix all my sons’ problems, and I don’t always know how to tell them how to solve them. I do know that no matter what life throws at them, it comforts them to know that someone has their backs. The power in a genuine, heart-felt hug can make everything seem ok, at least for a moment. And knowing that door is always open, and that you can hang on as long as you need, is sometimes enough to get you through another day. 

Screen Protection

What in the world has happened to our country? I have thought a lot, lately, about how everyone around us is offended over something all the time. When did this happen? I mean, seriously, I don't remember this being such a problem even just ten or twelve years ago!

I believe the source of our problem comes from the rise in social media platforms. Whether it's Facebook, Twitter or YouTube, it's inevitable that if you participate, you will eventually offend someone or will be offended yourself. It seems as though some are sitting behind a screen just waiting on someone to share something they disagree with.

When I began my cosmetology training back in 1981, one of the first points of study was a chapter called "Ethics". We were warned about not sharing our thoughts on many things in the shop for fear of offending someone. Politics and religion were at the top of the list. Inevitably, these subjects still come up in my shop occasionally, and as reasonable adults, we have some great conversations around those subjects, even when we disagree.

I honestly can't remember one time in my entire career that someone has reacted as though they were offended in my shop. I'm not saying they haven't actually been offended at some point, I'm just saying they haven't blown up and gotten in my face and acted like I am a terrible human for even thinking about having a different opinion than they do. Yet, here we are in 2018, and now we have to walk on eggshells all the time because of fear of causing a problem with a brother or sister, friend or neighbor.

The difference? We are fighting this war from behind a screen instead of face to face. Most people still wouldn't talk to their friends (or even a stranger, for that matter) in person the same way they will from behind a screen. 

The screen seems to protect us and at the same time provide some sort of power. We all have our own thoughts about things, and sometimes even while someone is talking with us face-to-face, a thought runs through our minds that something the other person said didn't 'sit well' with us. The difference, though, is that as the other person talks, we can see by their body language and mannerisms that they may not have meant what they said offensively. When talking through a screen we miss those cues, and the way we receive what's said is largely perceived through whatever our mood is for that day.

I posted what I thought was a funny pun a few years ago about a new piercing shop in town. I commented that we need that shop like we need another hole in our heads 😜. I never said I was against piercings, nor did I indicate that I discriminate against those who have them. I genuinely thought that what I was posting was an innocent play on words. I had no more than clicked "post" when I had an angry comment pop up from a former customer who began ranting about how she didn't appreciate me making fun of her "body art", and that I hang pictures on my walls for decoration, and she just likes to decorate her body in the same way. 

I have known this girl all of her life, and in turn, she has known me all her life as well. I had never been rude or hateful to her in the past. In fact, I treated her and her entire family with the utmost respect. Yet, she still read my post with the assumption that I was being rude and judgemental, and her reaction was to bring me down to size as though I was someone who was actually being rude and judgemental. She completely disregarded the good relationship we had always had prior to this one comment that apparently offended her.

I have several friends who have opposing views from mine concerning politics and others who practice a different religion than I do. I still call them friends because once we realized we stood on the opposite side of the fence from each other, we agreed we would not discuss the topic and we moved on. No one has gotten mad, no one has gotten offended and no one has unfriended anyone. We simply agree to disagree! (This is what adults do!)

Can you really imagine a world where everyone is alike, and we all have the same talents and same thoughts? We would all prefer the same foods and we would all share the same hairstyle and clothing style. Really think about that for a minute. Boring, huh?! We would only need one restaurant in town, one hairstylist, and one clothing shop! Imagine the waiting time!!

What makes us interested in each other is the fact that we do have individual thoughts, opinions, styles and preferences. We are all uniquely made! Being different makes us actually have to work at a relationship, and we all know nothing worthwhile is free! Working and investing into a relationship makes it more valuable to us. Relationships grow over the years, like a tree. The longer the relationship lasts and the more it is cultivated, the deeper the roots. I can't imagine why someone would cut down a longstanding, perfectly healthy tree just to show all the saplings how powerful they are with a chainsaw.

We are all different from one another, and that's okay! I always say my opinions and preferences are a culmination of my upbringing, my personality, my own life experiences,  and my convictions before God:

My upbringing-We are all trained and led by our parents, and this training plants seeds of thought in us that we often end up living out.

My personality-Our unique and individual personalities also dictate a lot of our opinions, as they shape how we see the world.

My personal experiences-As we travel through life, we encounter events that shape what we do and don't do from that experience forward, and we file them accordingly. These "files" add up over a lifetime and dictate a lot of our decisions.

My personal convictions-Our personal convictions in our hearts, put there by God Himself, are another reason some stay firm in their thinking.

No social media rant or tirade is going to uproot all those deep-seeded qualities in my heart or yours. All we are doing is destroying friendships that took years to build, and making ourselves look like a horse's behind in the process.

Go to a friend, someone you know who has offended you. Try asking them how you can be friends despite those differences, or maybe even because of them. Maybe you can set an example for others of how to truly love your friend, wholeheartedly and unselfishly letting go of your pride long enough to do so.

We are all in this together. Let it go and get along.

Romans 12:18 NIV

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Proverbs 17:14 NIV

Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out

Philippians 4:5 NIV

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near

Love Disappointed

One day recently I was cleaning house and I was thinking about love. Love is such a strange thing! You can love someone to the ends of the earth, yet sometimes you want to end them by throwing them over the edge of the earth! How is it that we can have such strong feelings on both sides of the spectrum, often at the same time?

I got to thinking about the song The Eagles sang after the September 11 terrorist attacks. In their song Hole in the World, they sing, "They say that anger is just love disappointed." Once you really think about it, that statement is profoundly true. The definition of the word "disappointment" tells us why we feel angry when love disappoints us:

Disappointment (noun): the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the defeat of one’s hopes or expectations.

We set the bar for what we expect from each other, and when our expectations aren't met, we get mad!

In the last few years, I've noticed a trend with people seeming angry all the time. If you don't believe me, post something about the President on Facebook..whether it be a compliment to him or an insult to him...and then sit back and enjoy the show! You will likely see an argument spring up under the comments between two people who may not even know each other. You will probably be "unfriended" by some as well.

People have become like guard dogs, standing by, ready to attack at the smallest of threats. I think it is partly for entertainment purposes for some, but when someone truly feels passionately about something, I believe the root of their passion is actually love.

Think about some of the political debates we seem to have going all the time now. If you are pro-life, you stand up and fight for the unborn. Why? Because you love those babies! If you are pro-abortion, you stand and fight for the moms because you feel like they have a right to make their own choices for their bodies. Why? Because you love those moms! If you fight for gay rights, it's because you want all people to be treated fairly..because you love them! If you are against gay rights, it's because you want others to live in a way that you see as better for them..because you love them and want good for them!

Where we go wrong when debating these topics is that we forget that people generally mean well in these situations. We become defensive, we want to be right and we want them to stay out of our business. We want to be in charge of our own destinies! We become angry when someone tries to sway us otherwise. Again, that anger can be traced back to love disappointed. We want to be loved unconditionally, no matter what our political beliefs or decisions.

On a more personal level, love disappointed cuts us even deeper. Think of a situation between yourself and someone you love deeply. All of us have been hurt before by someone we love at one time or another, and most of the time anger soon enters the picture.

What made you angry about the encounter? I would guess, once again, that you were disappointed. You thought they loved you more than that. You thought they respected you more than that. You thought you didn't deserve that. You were disappointed to see their true feelings emerge. The natural result of that disappointment is anger! "How could they..?", "Why would they...?" are thoughts we have as we stew over the unfortunate event.

Maybe if we could stop for a moment and think about the underlying love in someone's words, we wouldn't be so quick to get angry. Maybe we need to at least consider what they have to say, especially if someone that you know loves you is the speaker. Maybe we need to also consider the person's track record before reacting in anger...do they have a history of being hurtful? Have they shown you unconditional love up to this point? Maybe the love they have shown you every other day before this encounter outweighs the disappointment of today.

James 1:19-20

 (NIV)

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

We live in an angry culture. We live in a disappointed culture. We are self-focused. We see things through our own lenses and we assume others should see through the same lenses. Maybe we just need to stop expecting so much from each other, or maybe we ought to receive more things with a loving spirit rather than a defensive spirit. Maybe one day a song lyric that needs to be written is, "They say that joy is just love well received." I think I will suggest that to Don Henley the next time I see him. I just hope by changing his lyrics I don't make him mad! That would be really disappointing. 😉