Broken Sis with a Broken Wrist

My family, with my big brother Kevin in the middle.

It's been a hard week. Actually, it's been a hard several weeks, but this past week takes the cake.

As I type this with one hand due to my broken right wrist, I am looking down at the cards and notes that have been sent to us this week. I am in awe of how loved we are and we didn't even know it. I am so thankful for friends and family who gathered around us in a time of need to hold us together. I'm thankful for friends who fed us and cleaned for us, and for money and gift cards for food and groceries that were collected to help replace my lost income. Each day I was met with kind and compassionate words through cards, texts, visits and phone calls. My goodness, how people have loved on us!

This awful saga began a few weeks ago just after a relaxing cabin trip with friends during fall break. We were cleaning up around the yard when I decided it would be a good idea to clean out the unused playhouse in our back yard. I carefully stepped inside the rope climbing ladder to reach further into the playhouse, gathered my arms full of things and then stepped back, one foot successfully and the other...well, not. As I was going down in what seemed like a slo-mo movie, I was actually thinking, "Don't put your hands down!", but apparently God thought it would be a great idea to wire us up to do just exactly that when we fall. So, at the very last minute, down went my right hand. "Crunnnccchhh!" I heard it. I felt it. I knew without a doubt that it was not only broken, but messed up badly. I sat there dreading to look, but I finally got my nerve up. It looked sort of like an accordion.

I actually had a question to God run through my mind right then: "Does this mean I am going to be needed by Mom and Dad?" I feared the worst was approaching. Dad had not been doing well for several weeks. Maybe I needed to be out of commission to be available to them? I had no idea how much they were going to need me.

A few days after my injury, I had surgery to repair my wrist. My oldest brother, Kevin, who lived about 3 hours away, called me. He said he was worried about me and wanted to help. He was coming the next weekend to take care of Mom and Dad's needs since I couldn't. He said while he was here that he wanted to cook us dinner and drop it by. He made us an enormous pan of baked spaghetti (one side without meat just for me!), complete with bread, salad and chocolate marble cheesecake for dessert. He hung around a few minutes when he came with the food and we talked. He talked about the lot he was grading down for the house he was building. He talked about his grandkids and what amazing things they say and do. He talked about Mom and Dad and funny things they said that day while he was there. It was just a normal visit, with normal conversation and a normal goodbye hug when he left. I watched him back his new truck down my driveway, and I cringed as I heard the hitch on the back scrape the pavement as he backed onto the road. I waved as he drove away, not knowing because of the darkness if he saw me or not. I saw the orange lights on the running boards of the truck. I admired how clean and shiny his trucks always are. That was the last time I saw him. As I type those words, I'm still in disbelief that I will never see my brother on this earth again.

The week after I saw him last, he would leave this world for eternity. Looking back, we can all see warning signs that he was pushing too hard..working incessantly and not getting enough rest, not taking care of his health like he should, pushing his body to it's limit. But, this is Kevin we are talking about. He has done that his entire life! What he did on the days leading up to his death was nothing different from any other day in his world. But on that day, November 8, 2018, his heart had reached it's breaking point. It simply stopped beating. And just like that, this man, this invincible, unstoppable man, was gone.

I had lost my big brother, and that is not something you can ever prepare to do. My parents, though, had lost a son. Their first son, the one they had when they were just newlywed teens living in Germany while my dad served in the Army. Their baby boy.

My dad had been declining for a couple of weeks before this tragedy struck our family. He was having such extreme back pain, possibly related to his pancreatic cancer, that he ended up in the emergency room and urgent care a couple of times in the weeks prior to Kevin's passing. He had been spending more and more time lying in bed, which is the only relief he could get from hurting.

My phone had rung at 7:00 am that Thursday morning. My sister said Kevin's wife, Valerie, heard him fall and ran to check on him. She quickly realized how serious the situation was, so she called for help and began CPR. Just a few minutes after we hung up, my sister called again. This time, all I heard was Marla screaming my name. I knew he was gone. My knees went weak. I froze for a while, trying to wrap my head around what I had just been told. My next thought was that I need to get to Mom and Dad.

They had already been told when I got there. Dad was lying on the bed crying, and mom was sitting in her recliner crying the "mom who has lost her child" cry. The rest of that day seems like one big blurry picture. All I really remember afterwards was that Dad was not doing well. His blood sugar reached over 600 and wouldn't respond to insulin. His blood pressure was out the roof. About 11:00 p.m., we headed to the ER.

After several doses of insulin and some monitoring, they let us leave about 5:30 a.m. I took Dad home and tucked him in bed. He was crying himself to sleep as I slipped out the door. I drove home and looked at the clock, realizing I had only an hour and a half until my post-op doctor's appointment to get my stitches out and a new cast on. I laid down wearing the clothes I had on, got up about 30 minutes later and headed out the door to my appointment.

The nurse cut off my splint and I saw my arm for the first time. Right then and there, the events of the past 24 hours spilled out of my heart. I lost it. I mean, I completely lost it. I think I scared the poor nurse to death. She thought I was afraid to have the stitches removed! She had no idea what the past day had been for me. The stitches were just the final straw that broke the camel's back.

For the next several days, my dad could hardly sit up. He wasn't able to stand without help. He wasn't able to walk, even on his walker, without help. He wouldn't eat. He laid in the bed in the only position he could that he didn't hurt. Mom cried on and off all day. Everywhere she looked there was a reminder of Kevin: the ceramic apple cookie jar on the top of the cabinet. The Donald Trump doll in the sunroom. The red can opener on the kitchen counter. The violet he carried in to her the last time he came. His mark is all over that house. He spent the last several years making sure they knew how much he loved them. 

I will quote our former pastor by saying, "Everybody's hurting." You never know what someone is going through. Life has a way of kicking you in the gut at times. Sometimes we just have to stand on up and keep going, even though our legs are collapsing underneath us, and sometimes we need to lie down in the middle of Stone Drive during lunchtime traffic because we can't take another step, and just pray we don't get run over.

Be kind. Be compassionate. Love on your neighbors, hold up your friends when they are weak. Feed them when they are hungry, and cry with them when they are sad.

Love your family and cherish every moment you spend together. Don't just live every day like it's your last..live it like it could be theirs. Life is short. Life is fleeting. Life is precious, every single one.

1 Peter 4:10(NIV)

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.

Galatians 6:2(NIV)
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

1 Peter 3:8(NIV)

Suffering for Doing Good

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.

It's a Short Life After All

Portrait of Dad and Me

Looking back on life, I've known many sweet souls who have finished this race on earth and have gone on to eternity. I still think often of each of my grandparents, and I remember going through the final days with all of them.

At the time, from my younger perspective, I remember being at peace with the idea of death, especially when someone has been blessed to live so many years. What a blessing to get to raise your children, see them establish their own lives and families, and to have the privilege of living to old age.

Now, I'm watching as my dad faces his final days, weeks or months here in this life. For some reason, it doesn't feel so natural for someone to die this time. Don't get me wrong, my dad is a Christian. We have had many sweet conversations about his faith and I know he will be in Heaven, so in that way I will be thankful when his suffering here is over!

I hope it's a long while before the cancer my dad is fighting gets the better of him, but realistically, he has already outlived the typical lifespan after diagnosis. Most make it 3 to 6 months with pancreatic cancer. Dad was diagnosed 10 months ago. Every day is bonus time.

The hardest part about this impending transition from earth to Heaven is the fact that my dad doesn't feel finished here. He says all the time, "I'm ready to go, but I'm just not ready to go." I think it would be easier if he was tired and wanted to go, but it breaks my heart that he still wants so desperately to live.

Life is just so, so fast. I remember as a child trying to imagine being an adult. I imagined being married and having kids, and that seemed so far away at the time. Now, here I am, all that accomplished and heading quickly toward retirement age myself, and the thoughts of dreaming about my future when I was a child still don't seem that long ago. I think about the times that my grandparents died, my parents were around my age now, and like a flash of lightening, here I am in those same shoes. Just as quickly, my kids will stand here too. Life is so fast.

I asked Dad one day to imagine he didn't know his actual age, and if he didn't know, how old he feels like He should be. He is 81 in actual years, but when he thought about it, he said he feels around 60. I am 52, and when I think how old I feel like I should be, I feel around 30. It's not like we actually feel physically like we did at those younger ages, it's that the mind can't comprehend that those years have passed and that we actually are that old. It doesn't seem possible that so much of our lives is spent, gone away and never to be had again.

I was having this discussion with a customer last week. She was saying she always thought if we get to live into our 80s we are blessed. I agree, we are! But when you are the one facing death in your 80s and you only feel 60, you feel sort of cheated. You feel like there's more life to be had, more things you want to do, more things you want to experience.

I have noticed that Dad's mindset hasn't changed, despite his failing body. He still knows how to do things and he still has a desire to do them, but his body won't allow him to do much anymore. He feels useless and frustrated. He tries so hard to keep going and to still do what he can, but there's so much he just can't do anymore. He has days when the thought of his looming death seems to haunt him. I see him feeling depressed and sad much of the time...contrary to his usual witty, energetic self. When he does have a good day, we make the most of it.

Life is just so, so fast. Slow down, enjoy every minute. Even the bad times don't last forever. Focus on the blessings you have right in front of you at this minute. Thank God for blessings you had, the blessings you have and the blessings you will have. All are sweet, and all are fleeting.

Thank God for His promise that those of us who accept Him in our hearts will be together in eternity forever. No more cancer, no more sadness, no more fear. Knowing this in my heart is all that keeps me going. I thank God for this hope of Heaven.

If you or someone you love is suffering tonight and you don't have this promise, please don't wait. Call on Jesus. This crazy place is a trial run..a big, ol', sometimes cruddy, sometimes wonderful, trial run. This is not all there is! Make sure your salvation is firmly rooted in Christ. Speak to those you love about Him. Make sure when you stand in these shoes that you know it's not goodbye forever. You don't have long. Life is so, so fast.

Romans 10:9
If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

Revelation 21:1-7

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them.They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.

Picture of Love

When someone dies, even a celebrity or public figure that we don't even know personally, there is a trend of replacing our profile pictures on social media to that of the deceased as a way to honor their memories. Even though I think it's nice that people want to show their love and honor those who have passed, every time I see that happen I can't help but wonder why we don't honor them while they are still alive to see it themselves?

Can you imagine the feeling of opening up your Facebook one morning and everyone you know has changed their pictures to a photo of you? What if their posts that day were a story of how loved you are and how much they admire you and need you in their lives?

Too often, we humans don't even give much thought to the important people we do life with. Maybe it's our nature to think they'll always be there, maybe it's because we would be uncomfortable sharing our feelings publicly about that person, or maybe it's just because we are just plain selfish and we truly don't think much about them because we are so focused on us!

Now, I get that it would really freak you out to see your picture flood Facebook while you are still alive! If I looked at Facebook and saw my picture and a post about me pop up on everyone's page at once, I would probably think for a minute that maybe I had died and just didn't know it yet! But why don't we make a conscience effort, not just on social media but in real life, to tell those we love how important they are to us? Why do we often not realize how we need them until they are gone?

My parents are in the final years of their lives. Both are in poor health and my dad was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I don't know how much longer I have to tell them and to show them that I love them, but I want to make sure that I never miss the opportunity to say how I feel while I still can. I want them to know they are not alone in their suffering. I want them to know I value them and appreciate them. I want nothing to be left unsaid, and I sure don't want to leave things I should be doing for them undone.

You don't have to be old or even be sick to die. We have also had young friends and relatives who have died recently. I always wonder when I hear of one of these unexpected deaths what that person's loved ones said to them the last time they spoke. I wonder if they had known it would be the last time they would have to speak to the person they love if they would have said or done something differently.

Honestly, I think most people would wish they had another chance to make sure that person knew how deeply they were loved, even if they regularly spoke it and showed it already. I think at the moment the news came that their loved one was gone, most people would immediately wish they hadn't worried so much about some of the frivolous things we tend to focus on. I think most would immediately wish they had a do-over.

Find someone you love and vow to honor them today, while they can see it! Show up unexpectedly with a special treat, send a card, or give them a call. Tell them how important they are to you. Remind them that they are cherished. Change your profile picture to a picture of them! Love them today like there's no tomorrow!

Romans 12:10 (NIV)

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

There's No Time Like the Present Time

I just left after getting Dad settled back into the hospital. He had a rough day. Actually, he's had a rough year.

I'm not ready to give my dad up just yet. I know God knows best, and I know I'm not the only person who has suffered this pain of seeing someone you love go down. I remind myself daily how fortunate I am that my dad has lived 81 years. He is the toughest man I know! He has suffered countless health crises since all the way back to the 1970s, any one of them which could have ended his life many years ago.

He was in a terrible accident when I was 8 years old that almost took his life. In that wreck, he broke most of his ribs, broke his nose, had a collapsed lung, broke his back and completely crushed his left leg. Since then he's had 13 pulmonary embolisms, a stroke, 5 heart attacks and he's got 10 stents in his arteries and one in his bile duct. He's had pneumonia and pluracy too many times to count, he has had blood sugar levels from 30 all the way to 700. He had several low blood pressure events over the last few months that were 70/30 and even lower. He beat prostate cancer about 5 years ago. He has fought pancreatic cancer the last few months like a beast! Just today, he had an intestinal hemmorage that caused him to lose almost 4 liters of blood. How he was not passed out on the floor, I don't know. He is Superman!

Dad says often that he doesn't understand why God had a brought him through so much. He says he doesn't deserve it. My response to him is always, "Dad, thank God most of us never get what we deserve or we would all be in a bad spot!"

My dad may not be a perfect man, but to me, he's the best dad in the world. He "gets" me. (Not many people do!!) He's my Golden Corral buddy, my sentence-finisher, my singing partner and my friend. He's the only dad I will ever have and the only one I've ever wanted. I'm not ready to let him go.

I am thankful for the promise that when my dad's time on this earth is over, I KNOW he will be in Heaven, waiting what will seem to him like the blink of an eye for me to show up, even though my time here without him will seem painfully long. He will be reunited with his mom (my Granny), and many other relatives that have gone on before us. My dad will meet Jesus face to face. The Jesus who knows my dad's struggles here on earth is the same Jesus that has loved him through it all, never giving up on him. He gave Dad the gift of time..time to think, time to pray, time to say what needs to be said, time to love and be loved, time to make sure he is at peace with God...time that many people don't get.

I told Dad today that for whatever time he has left, we are breaking all the rules. If he wants ice cream at midnight, I'm throwing on some flip flops with my pajamas and heading down to get him! If he wants to drive to his hometown of Appalachia, we are loading up and going. Life is short. 81 years isn't that long when you are lying in bed, facing the end, reflecting on life and wishing for more time.

We are not spending the rest of Dad's days thinking about what's to come. We are receiving the gift of today and squeezing everything out of it that we can. When that tomorrow comes, I'm going to thank God for time..for answering my prayers for just a little more time.

Psalm 91:14-16

“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”