Little Cup of Purpose

This little cup. It may just look like a little Dixie cup, but this cup holds a big message.

Back in February 2019, just after losing my brother, Mom, and Dad, I spent much of my time pilfering through all the things at my parents' house that would have to be moved before we could sell the house and wrap up their estate. For weeks, I sorted costume jewelry, notes and receipts, little tubes of hydrocortisone and antibiotic cream, "World's Best Dad" and "World's Best Mom" plaques, and old greeting cards they had received over the years.

Most people realize when their parents pass that they'll have the house and furniture, and maybe even kitchen items and clothing to dispose of, but it's all of these little, seemingly insignificant things that hurt your heart the most. I think for me, it's the realization that when they bought that tube of ointment for a small scratch on their hand, or that roll of aluminum foil to cover the day's leftovers, they had no idea that they wouldn't live long enough to use it up. 

As I dutifully packed up, threw away and organized things for the estate sale, I bagged up some of the open-packaged items that I could use at our house instead of trashing them. Among those things was a nearly unused 100-pack of little bathroom cups that Mom used to sort her pills into every day. She would carefully get each prescription pill from the bottle and put one of each type in cups for the next morning, noon and night. When I grabbed that bag of cups, I wasn't sure we'd even use them. Seven years later, I still have 8 left in the mason jar iny bathroom cabinet, where I put them back then.

A few days before Christmas, my little 3 year old grandson spent the night with us. As I got him ready the next morning, he opened the vanity door and stood on the cabinet frame as he tried to reach the faucet to rinse after brushing his teeth. I immediately remembered we had a few of the little cups from Mom and Dad's house in my bathroom, so I quickly ran and got one for him to use. He filled the cup and rinsed. He was fascinated with that little cup. He kept refilling it and re-rinsing just for the fun of it.

This morning I was cleaning up that bathroom when I saw that little cup still sitting there beside the sink. That's when it hit me:

Late 2018 and early 2019 were, bar none, the toughest season of my life. My two oldest sons had back-to-back weddings in August and September, but my dad had been so sick for several months that I hardly noticed the almost empty nest that was forming around me from two of my three kids leaving home. My dad had been fighting pancreatic cancer for over a year when my brother unexpectedly died of a massive heart attack that November. My mom, who had some chronic issues but had been stable, suddenly tanked after the bitter loss of her first born. She only made it five weeks after my brother passed, then Dad gave up his fight and went on to be with Jesus two months and two days after Mom passed. 

I had been in "boots on the ground" mode for so long, I just stayed the course and kept taking care of what needed to be taken care of at that point. Within the following months, I felt so much exhaustion it was sometimes difficult to get out of bed. I tried to make the best of the time I had left with my then 16 year old before his time would soon come to leave for college, but in between the good times with him and Dave, I wanted to just crawl in a hole and never come out again. I couldn't see how life could ever be as happy as it once was. I missed my life as a mom..an active, in the role, mom. I missed being a daughter. I missed having a purpose. On so many levels, it was like the life I loved so much had just been ripped out from under me.

Then today, this little cup shows up on the bathroom counter where it was left by my grandson. That cup was held in those sweet little hands that had no idea about all the hurt, emptiness and exhaustion that came with that pack of cups all those years ago. Mom and Dad had no idea when they bought that package of cups that I would one day have three little grandbabies, and one of my grandsons would be using one of those cups seven years later. 

As much as I remember all of that loss and heartache, I can truly say I am finally in a time where healing has taken place and life feels right again...where peace has replaced sadness. I guess I hadn't realized how much I've healed until this reminder today. In the middle of suffering, it's hard to see how beauty can await down the road, yet somehow, it does.

That little cup, it represents so much more than it's intended purpose. That little cup is a reminder that God is good, and He knew exactly where that cup would end up and the little hands that would hold it. He knew how those grandbabies would be part of a brand new chapter, one that is also beautiful, even if in a different way than the life I had to give up. He knew. 

Whatever trials you're facing today, hang onto that. He knows, and He has a plan for your healing too, even if you can't see it from where you're standing now. Your little cup might be right in front of you all along. Even if you can't see it, God does, and He knows the beauty that's yet to come.

Isaiah 61:3 NIV

"and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Level Up Your Worship: Clean Your House

Our first house

                        

  I have always been thankful for anything and everything I had, old or new, popular or outdated, expensive or cheap. Living on my own since I was 18 taught me how hard it is to work for the things I need, and how to live without the things I don't. 

  I was talking to my daughter-in-law last week about how thankful I am to clean house. Although this is a chore that most people dread or complain about, each time I clean my home is a worship experience for me. I'm not saying that to sound haughty or show how "Christiany" I am. I just truly can't believe, even to this day, that I have my very own home. 

  From the time I had my first little 1970s trailer, I have always felt it was surreal that I had my very own home. That first trailer came furnished with the finest orange, fall-leaf-covered couch there was in 1984, and I didn't even mind that it didn't match the green shag carpet. The gold kitchen stove heated up Ragu sauce and chicken noodle soup just fine! 

  I hung pictures and cleaned and arranged things to make that little place the best home I could for what it was. From there, I eventually moved to an even nicer trailer down the road, also furnished, but with a more modern 1980s motif. The landlord required that the plastic that was on the mattress had to stay since it was a rental, so I did my best to not roll over at night since the sound of the plastic would wake me up. Still, I was so thankful and felt like I was "movin' on up" like the Jefferson's did!

  Eventually a little apartment came up for rent up the road from my trailer, actually just in between it and the first trailer. It was not a big complex, but two little apartments above a little strip of businesses. I was so excited! It was fairly new, very clean and all that I needed, just not furnished like the other two places I lived. 

  My parents gave me a bed to use (no more plastic!!), and the dad of my boyfriend at the time gave me two old Archie Bunker recliners from his garage. My brother worked at Wendy's back in those days. They were doing away with their old newspaper clipping tabletops, so he brought several of them home. My dad used 2x4s to make frames for them and used the tabletops to turn them into end tables for me.

  That year was my first ever big purchase: a new TV and a VCR. I signed up for my first credit, a Montgomery Ward card. It took me 2 years of payments to pay that off, but I was so thankful to have my very own TV, and a VCR to boot! (Back then, having a VCR was extra cool!!) I set my TV and VCR on one of my little end tables on one side of my little living room, and put the other end table between recliners. My living room was fully furnished! Then I found a little octagon shaped glass top kitchen table with brass metal framing and wicker backed chairs. It was $88 at Big Lots. I saved up for a few weeks to buy that. 

  I had to go to the laundromat just down the road from my apartment every week. I had two clothes baskets, one for dirty clothes, and one for the clean clothes I folded and brought back home. They stayed in the clean basket because I didn't have a dresser or chest of drawers. That worked out pretty well, actually. I just rotated those baskets as things got dirty and then washed clean again.

  During those years, I moved several more times. The last place I lived before Dave and I got married was my little apartment on Fall Creek Road. The landlords were friends of mine, and they let me do a few little things to that place to fix it up a little nicer. I bought a little apartment size washer and dryer from a coworker that they let me hook up in the kitchen, so no more laundromat! I bought my first living room suite there, a "one year same as cash" deal at Grand Furniture. I couldn't believe I had my own furniture! New furniture!! When Dave and I got married in 1993, that was our first living room suite we used when we moved into a bigger apartment in the same building just a few doors down. 

  In 1994, we were able to buy our first real house!! It was right at 1000 square feet, and was in a sweet little neighborhood in Indian Springs. We paid $40,500, and we were terrified! Our apartment rent had been $300 and our house payment was going to be $400. I wasn't sure how we could afford it, but we just buckled down and watched our money closely and were able to make it somehow. I remember pulling up in the driveway and thinking, "Wow! I don't have to worry about anybody getting my parking space anymore! " I actually could not believe that I had my own driveway and a yard instead of a parking lot. I also couldn't believe that we had more than one bedroom and our very own deck to sit on! 

  We lived in that little house for 5 years, having our first two boys while we lived there. We had the sweetest life there. We would take them out on the deck and turn the music up and dance with them. We had a real Christmas tree the first year we live there, until we found out I was allergic to it, so the second year we lived there we bought our first artificial tree, the same one we still use to this day. We started hosting Easter and Thanksgiving and other things because we were so excited to have a place to do that. We had our kids' birthday parties there and put a swing set in the back yard. I loved to sit outside and watch my kids playing in the sprinkler and riding their little toys around the driveway. I loved the days that Dave mowed the yard, just enjoying the smell of our own grass! We took a shot at growing our first tomatoes there and they did so well that the vines grew up over the living room windows that were probably 6 ft off the ground! That little home was such a blessing to us in so many ways, more than I can count. 

  Eventually, the boys were getting bigger and we found that we needed a little more room. Our next home was bought in 1999 and was on Curtis Court in Indian Springs. Built in the '70s, it had some updates throughout the '80s, but still needed a lot of work. It happened that our neighbor, Bill, was the type of guy that could do anything, and over the years, he taught us how to do plumbing, wiring, structural repair, and basically anything that had to do with home improvement. 

  By the time we sold that house in 2012, it looked like a brand new home! We just chipped away at it a little at a time and made it our own. We had our third son while we lived there, and we had huge family gatherings, picnics in the back yard in the summertime, football games in the front yard in the fall, and sled rides in the field behind the house in the winter. I always say that Curtis Court is where our best life happened! Those were by far the sweetest years of my life. 

  As the boys became teenagers and our needs changed, we moved to where we live now. This house is more than I ever imagined in my wildest dreams that I would ever have. It's not a mansion or even a dream home, it's nothing special at all, actually. It's just a regular house in a regular neighborhood. But there's never a time that I clean house or hang a picture that I don't remember my first little trailer, and I don't ever want to ever forget that. In fact, I was inspired to write this from my dining room chair just after climbing under it to dust all the little details on the bottoms of the chairs and the base of the table. The whole time I was dusting, I was thanking God for each person who has sat in these chairs, for each meal that we've had at this table, for each laugh that we've had here with family and friends, even for the little tiny scratches that were put on it from our 4-year-old's little Hot Wheels cars back when we first bought it in 1999. 

  It is a blessing to have what we have, no matter how small or big, no matter how cheap or expensive, no matter how new or old. We are so, so blessed..nearly all of us in this country are, really. Having a home to clean, having a yard to mow or a car to wash...what huge, wonderful blessings! I know I am blessed way more than I could have ever earned, and so much more than I deserve. I don't ever want to get too busy, complacent or spoiled to forget that.

  It's easy to get caught up in stress, work, obligation, and routine and forget how far you've come and how fortunate you are to have what you have now. Your attitude is so different, though, when you view those things as privileges instead of expectations, and gifts instead of burdens, and begin seeing them as the blessings they truly are, and praising The One who brought you to where you are and gave you all of that to enjoy. What an amazing opportunity to worship Him!

  I encourage each of you to think back on your own story...where you began, how hard you've worked, how many times you tried looking into the future and couldn't imagine ever having anything more than what you had in that moment. As you pick up your things to dust and move things to vacuum, wash the mud off your tires or mow the grass, think of those earlier, simpler times and be thankful for how far our Father has carried you, and know how much He must love you to bless you with all that you have along the way ❤️.

James 1:17 NIV

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Colossians 2:6-7

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.

Some photos of our first apartment in 1993 and the first couch I ever bought:

Synesthesia: When a Shirt Tastes Like a Lunchbox

For as long as I can remember, most every spoken word and the sight of many objects elicit a physical taste or smell. It's just normal for me. 

I never realized everyone else doesn't do this until one night a few years ago. My husband and I were talking about my "weirdness", as he calls it, and he said, "You're the only person I know who does that!" I was intrigued by that and decided to do a little research to figure out my unusual brain. 

I do remember a few times as a child mentioning a smell or taste of a word or object to friends and getting some laughs, even though I wasn't joking! I was often told I had a big imagination, which is actually not true at all for me. I'm more of a realist who has to see to believe, and I have a hard time imagining anything without physical proof. I simply thought that what I experienced was normal, and that everyone else had the same response to certain words. I eventually learned to keep my thoughts about those things to myself and quit mentioning them. I quickly realized it didn't make sense to most people. I assumed it was them that was weird and that's why they didn't understand. Now, I understand that it is clearly me that's different!

I remember seeing a news show many years ago about synesthesia. It explained that synesthesia is a rare phenomenon where your senses cross. Only 3.7% of the population have any type of synesthesia. Only 0.2% have Lexical Gustatory Synesthesia, which is my type of synesthesia.  That equates to only about 19 people in 500 having any type of synesthesia, and a mere 1 of me in that crowd!

There are thought to be as many as nine types of synesthesia. The most common type of synesthesia is a connection between music and colors, called Chromesthesia. People with Chromesthesia may hear music and each note will be an individual color or shape. Musical notes have specific colors, and as a melody plays, the colors swirl and move with the music. As an artist, I would love to have Chromesthesia! I've seen some beautiful, amazing artwork done by these synesthetes who listen to music and paint what they "see" as they hear the notes played. Some notable artists and musicians with Chromesthesia that you may recognize are Tori Amos, Franz Liszt, Billy Joel, Pharrell Williams, Duke Ellington and Vincent Van Gogh!

Another common type of synesthesia is where the letters of the alphabet and numbers have an assigned color, and sometimes even a "personality". This type is called Grapheme-Color Synesthesia. Those with Grapheme-Color Synesthesia often assign a color, personality or gender to specific numbers or letters. I've read where synesthetes with this type will say something like, "The number 8 is green, is a male and he is moody. The number 3 is pink and is sweet and innocent." Grapheme-Color would be cool to experience too. It would help us remember numbers better, I think. 

Another more common type of "syn" is Spatial-Sequence Synesthesia. In an example of Spatial-Sequence syn, people may see a calendar in a completely different format than what is typical. The calendar may be rectangular, with July positioned in the upper left corner and July may be blue. February may be red and be in the middle of the rectangle, with April formed in a circle around it. This type of syn would sure have made history class a little easier for me! I am terrible at remembering dates. I feel like this syn would help me remember them a little easier!

Another type is Auditory-Tactile Synesthesia. This type causes you to feel touch-based sensations when you hear certain sounds. With this type, you may hear a car horn and feel pain in your stomach. Similarly, Mirror-Touch syn causes you to feel what another person should be feeling, like if they swipe a bug off their shoulder, you feel the swipe on your own shoulder. I'm actually glad I don't have either of these types! There are more types of syn other than the ones mentioned here, but these are the most common.

The synesthesia I experience isn't nearly as useful as the other types, but it is entertaining, at least! The type of syn I have is called Lexical Gustatory Synesthesia, and it is the most rare form of syn. For me, certain words have an automatic taste and smell, along with the feeling of it in my mouth. It's not something I choose to do, it's an automatic reflex. 

I would say I have synesthetic responses at least 10-15 times per day, if not more. Most of my synesthetic responses are triggered by spoken words, but some are by things and objects I see. For example, if someone says the word "time", I taste and feel Tic-Tacs in my mouth. If they say "agree", it's a grilled cheese sandwich with greasy, buttery bread. I don't like either of these foods, so it's not always a pleasant connection. But sometimes, I do have a pleasant response, and sometimes no words are spoken at all, it's just an object that my brain connects to a taste or smell. 

One day, I was in Kohl's and I saw a red and black plaid shirt. I immediately smelled and tasted my second grade lunchbox!! It was a combination of peanut butter and jelly mixed with a Little Debbie Nutty Bar, with a slight taste of metal, with the feeling of the Nutty Bar crunch. I know... weird!! But that was a sweet, nostalgic moment. I actually went back to the shirt two or three times just to get another little "taste" of it. I sent a picture to my brother and he had the exact same response! I could never have bought that shirt or I would be distracted the whole day I wore it by the smell of that lunchbox!! 

The reason we synesthetes often don't know we are different is because scientists believe these synesthetic connections are made in very early childhood, so it's just a part of us that's always been our normal. As we learned new words, colors, numbers or musical notes, our brains tried to make sense of them and formed a solid connection to something more tangible. Once those connections were made, we will keep them for life. Each person's connections are unique to that particular person. The connections are made because of something that happened early that connected those things in our brains. Maybe someone was eating a Tic-Tac in front of me the first time I heard the word "time"?? Or, maybe the sound of "Tic-Tac" is equal to the sound of "tick-tock" in my mind?? I would say that most of my synesthetic responses make perfect sense to me, most of the time anyway. I have a hard time understanding how you don't see it too!

Synesthesia tends to run in families. Once I began to understand my syn, I mentioned it to several people in my family. Since synesthesia is believed to be genetic, I hoped that I wasn't alone. It turns out that two of my siblings have the same type I have, and two of my sons do as well, although all of their's seems to be a bit milder than mine. I also have a nephew who has it. I suspect my mother had it, and I have wished a million times over I had asked her a little more about what responses she may have had to certain words or sights when she was here with us. I would also love to know if any of my grandparents had synesthesia. I feel like my maternal grandmother may have been a synesthete too, but again, she isn't here to ask. 

In order to better understand myself, I've tried to get to the root of how synesthesia works. In my research, I've found that neurologists believe synesthesia is caused by having a more than typical amount of neurons, and also having a crossing of neurons. One study I found speculates that it is an unusual phenomenon where neurons that typically disconnect in "normal" people as infants just simply stay connected in synesthetes. Think of it like a newborn who can't yet understand words or that can't see very well yet. That baby learns who Mommy is by her voice and her scent. Once they have an understanding of who she is, they will no longer need the trigger of scent or voice to identify Mommy. The neurons that were formed for that purpose are no longer needed, so they disconnect. With synesthetes, the neurons just never disconnect, so we still associate those things together.

I love my synesthesia and am just as amused by it as you probably would be if you could taste and smell what I do all day 😁! What is most interesting to me is that I'm not a foodie in any shape or form. In fact, I like very few foods and I'm not a big eater. I'm still trying to figure out if my syn factors into my lack of interest in food. Maybe I essentially "eat" all day through my syn! Either way, I wouldn't change a thing about it, and I am thankful for this unique quality, most of the time, at least. It's fun to run things by my family who understands it, and it's fun to run it by people who just think I'm making things up since it's totally foreign to them! 

My hope is that you have learned something new by reading this, and maybe you will recognize synesthesia when you see it in yourself or others after learning a bit about it. I am curiously waiting to see if any of my grandchildren inherit this unique trait. I hope it lives on through generations to come. May the weirdness continue!! 😁

*For your entertainment, here are some of my synesthetic responses to words. I'll put an emoji on each one to show what's good, what's neither good or bad, and what's disgusting!! Enjoy! (I edited to add my brother's connections. Some are very similar to mine!)

The phrase "it's not the same"=semisweet chocolate chips😋 

Not=eggnog😐

Edgar (my husband's personal favorite 😉)=bandaids and Milk Duds🥴

(I feel the bandaids in my mouth while having my teeth stuck together with the Milk Duds 😖 I love eating Milk Duds, but in this case it's disgusting 🤢)

Same (used alone)=fried spam sandwich🤮

*My brother's=pound cake

Agree=always grilled cheese sandwiches drenched in greasy butter🤮 

*My brother's=chicken noodle soup

The word "done" is reheated chicken in foil😐

*My brother's=brown and serve rolls with butter

Connie=corn dog😑

Time=tic-tacs🤢

*My brother's=a pocket watch ticking as rolls are baking

Pearl=toothpaste🤢

*My brother's=crutches and green shampoo

Charles=dog food, like the ground up soft kind in a can🤮

*My brother's=Cherry pie

Fred=stale bread😑

*My brother's=spaghetti 

George=Raisinettes😊

*My brother's=a dirty diaper

Paul=furniture polish on a dust mitt😐

*My brother's=chocolate covered raisins

Yes=plaster😐

*My brother's=uncooked cabbage leaves in someone's hand

Correct=typewriter ribbon🤨

(I like this smell but I can feel the ribbon in my mouth and taste the ink..not pleasant, so 🤢)

*My brother's=notebook paper, pencil lead and eraser dust

Possible=fever blister🤮

*My brother's=cherry pop tarts

Normal=medicine, like liquid iron, or like a thermometer in my mouth🤢

*My brother's=someone moving the hands on a clock with their finger

Married=cooked carrots😊

*My brother's=macaroni and cheese 

Windmill=cream of wheat😊

*My brother's=windmill cookies and cream of wheat

Sherman=marshmallows😑

*My brother's=sherbet

Tony=comb with head grease and flakes of dandruff 🤮

*My brother's=a woman with Dippity Doo in her hair putting her hair up in curlers 

Worth=saltwater taffy and maybe Bit-o-Honey😋

*My brother's=Brach's chocolate stars

Margaret=olives🤢

Ancestry=listerine, the yellow kind🤮

*My brother's=hamburger meat frying in a skillet 

Also=applesauce😐

*My brother's=applesauce 

Wife=fuzzy dusting mitt with endust😐

*My brother's=marshmallow cream or meringue 

This ok sign...👌-canned peas with butter🤢

(I don't mind plain peas with no butter, but this sign makes me gag because the peas always have butter when I see this "okay" sign)

The sound of high heels clicking=red, flat and round shaped sucker or a red candy apple😊

*My brother's=lemon chiffon cake

Sound of thunder=mashed potatoes 😐

*My brother's=Baked potatoes

I saw this on Facebook today and I immediately smelled it😂

Psalm 139:13-15

For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.

Categorize, Choose, Simplify, Enjoy

 

Categorize, Choose, Simplify, Enjoy. Those are the words we've begun to live by in our old age! 

We ran the treadmill of life wide open for the first 30 years of marriage. Kids, our jobs, all our many side jobs, the house...life was basically chosen for us for all those years. Rarely did we ever have time to look at each other and ask, "What do you need?", or, "What do we want to do?" We lived by the rule of responsibility first, fun second. We worked a lot, but still found time to have a ton of fun with our kids, family and friends. The problem was, we never really had time for fun for ourselves. Our fun was investing in someone else's fun 100% of the time. 

Looking back, even if we had needed anything for us, where would we have had the time to indulge ourselves? From where would we have pulled money to afford what we wanted, had that been something not necessarily, well..necessary? We were caught in a trap of putting ourselves last every single time, and most of those "lasts" truly ended up being "nevers".

I'm really not complaining. I wouldn't trade all those years for any amount of money, fun or relaxation. Our early years of marriage, raising our boys and building our lives were like a fairytale life for us. I really would have stayed there forever if it had been possible. We have had the best life of anyone I know, and I wouldn't change a thing. I have been blessed way more than I deserve, for sure. If I died today, I feel like I accomplished everything I ever dreamed of in this life. I am so, so grateful to The Lord for the life I've been able to live so far!

But, whether we like it or not, life is certain to change. The boys are grown and are building their own lives. We are getting closer and closer to our "golden years". It's been a hard adjustment to give up the life we loved so much, but we also realize that's how life is supposed to go and we are so proud of all our adult kids. Still, it's hard to accept we are getting older ourselves, yet, here we are looking at retirement staring us in the face telling us we'd better get ready for him! We are having to make some decisions and plans for the years that are to come very soon that just a few years ago seemed a million miles down the road!

I know we are only in our late 50s and that's not really that old anymore, but so many people we know that are our age have had sudden unexpected events in the last year or two. Some have developed debilitating conditions, or have gotten major, life-changing diagnoses, some of them never recovering and losing their battles to death. Some of them were younger than us. 

Life is fragile. It is at any age, but with each year that ticks by, it is especially fleeting. I'm acutely aware that our lives will definitely change irreversibly at some point in the future. That could be in 30 more years, or that could happen before I finish writing this post. I also know that we won't always have the opportunities we have now, because whether we like it or not, we won't always have the stamina and ability to keep moving at the pace we move at now. Old age is inevitable. Ailments are inevitable. Death is inevitable. Life is changing for us, and we are heading into that season sooner or later.

We are in changing times, for sure, and changing times call for changing measures! It was time to use whatever time we have left how we want to, for a change (literally and figuratively!). We still choose our family every single time we can get together with them, but we have been very intentional over the last year in focusing on our marriage as a top priority on the days we do have to ourselves. We go for walks, we sit under the night sky and look at the stars, we enjoy patio dining at our little outside table for two. We find an interesting show to watch, we chat with neighbors, and we actually have conversation with each other! We enjoy the calm and quiet days we have now, and we love being able to figure it out as we go instead of having our days planned for us. We have a sweetness in our marriage that we've never experienced before. We have simplified our lives, and we are loving it!

I hope we can look back in the next season of our lives and say this chapter was another one of our best. I hope this sweet era lasts a long, long time before we are in a much more difficult phase. But, however it all plays out, I hope I can once again say I have no regrets on how we chose to spend it. We categorized, we chose, we simplified, and we are enjoying it...every single blessed minute. 

Psalm 90:10 Our days may come to seventy years, or eighty, if our strength endures; yet the best of them are but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away.

Psalm 90:12 Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

2023: The Year of the Hard Reset

Hard Reset. That's how I would describe my 2023. 

I was listening to Focus on the Family this week and the subject was starting the new year with bettering yourself and getting rid of old habits. One thing the guest speaker, Debra Fileta, said that really resonated with me was that we all have a well that we give from, and that it's possible to pour so much from that well into others that we are left with nothing but the muddy gunk at the bottom for ourselves. 

For most of my life, I've been a caregiver in some form or another. It's a running joke in my family that as a child, I ran around and waited on everyone like a hired servant..haha! Even in my single years, I used most of my time and energy accommodating what others expected of me, never expecting or demanding anything back. Once I was married, I dove right into being a wife and then a mommy with everything I had to give going to my family. Then, before my youngest child was through high school, my parents began to decline. I took the reins and did absolutely everything I could to help them live through their final years as comfortably as possible for what they were going through. 

Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. I don't resent one second of any time I've spent caring for those I love the most. I always viewed it as a blessing that God allowed me to have the time and energy to serve in that way and to pour whatever I could into others who needed the help. He gave me this jump-in-and-do-it personality and all this pent-up energy for His purposes, and I fully accept that and am thankful for it. I would do every single thing the same if I could go back and do it all again. 

I actually loved nurturing and taking care of my loved ones. It was my purpose for so many years! But now that life has suddenly taken a turn, I find myself having to reevaluate my priorities. I honestly don't remember in any of those seasons ever thinking about what I wanted or how I felt, if I was tired or needed help myself. It was just the way life was and how I needed to be during that time to keep pushing through and keep everyone going. I pushed through migraines, sickness, injury, stress, and anything else I was dealing with and just kept pressing forward like the Energizer Bunny!

But, once my parents had passed and my boys had grown and flown, I found myself sort of lost. What was my job now? Who am I? What is my purpose at this point? I had to try to remember who I am besides a caregiver. I really hadn't ever thought about that! The truth is, who I am now is not really different to who I was before all those years of caregiving, but I'm definitely not who I was in my young, single years (thank you Jesus!) when I could have taken time for myself but didn't. I really had no idea what I like to do, or what makes me happy...not what makes everyone else happy, but what makes me happy? What fills my well? 

So, 2023 became a journey for me. It was time to find me. It was time to enter a season of nurturing myself, meeting my own needs, really for the first time in my life. I had no idea how to do that, but I began asking The Lord to help me find my way to freedom. 

Thankfully, I have the most supportive husband to walk alongside me. We, as a couple, really had never focused on us either, and that needed to change as well. I spent much time in prayer asking The Lord to show me my purpose, and our purpose as empty nesters. I knew I didn't want to waste the time before me. I wanted to make the most of our time in this season while we are healthy enough to get up and decide what we want to do for the day and actually be able to do it. I realize that won't always be possible as we age. I want to use this time learning to care about myself and for Dave and me as a couple without feeling some sort of guilt for doing that. 

It turns out that it's not easy. I know in the last year we've unintentionally hurt feelings. We've declined dinner invitations, turned down group vacations and gracefully declined offers of side jobs we used to have to take to survive. We have backed off from committing ourselves in every spare moment we have available. And let me tell you, as hard as it is to do, it feels great! 

For the first time in my life, I feel free. Free from feeling stretched so thin I'm about to crack. Free from going along with what everyone else wants to do, even if it's not the right thing for me. Free from my time being pre-planned for me every minute of the day. Freedom to be who God really intended me to be! Freedom to invest into others in ways I've wanted to do, but haven't had the time. Freedom to learn new hobbies, spend the day painting, stay at home all day, or not have to set an alarm on my off days. Freedom to have more intentional time with God. Freedom to not feel guilty about any of that!

This new season we have entered is full of new adventures and freedoms that we are starting to allow ourselves to enjoy. Grown children, grandbabies, second, third, fourth, tenth and thirty-first honeymooning! Sitting under the stars, riding through the countryside, tinkering around antique stores and sleeping in on Saturdays. Instead of feeling sad about what we have lost, we are focusing on what time we have left, and how we plan to use it. We still want to honor God in serving, but part of that is taking care of the body, soul and mind He gave us so we are fully equipped to serve Him in the right way: willfully from the heart, not from obligation, fear or guilt.

Here is another important part of what I heard this week while listening to the broadcast I mentioned: Self care=soul care! Mark 12:31 says, "Love your neighbor as yourself", meaning we need to love ourselves too, not love our neighbor instead of ourselves. Even Jesus took time to rest. We all need to take time to rest from being everything to everyone and take care of ourselves too. Then your true self will be able to shine through. Then you will be free. ♥️

Lessons Learned

 

Things I've learned as I get older:

I didn't understand how short 40-50 years was when my grandmother still had breakdowns over losing her dad and brother in a tragic accident when she was 15 years old. I wish I had known to have more compassion, I wish I would have cried with her and acknowledged her loss. I can't imagine, Nanny, how devastating that was for you.

I didn't know that my grandfather's sternness was his way of standing his ground against this crazy world, preparing himself to stand before The Lord one day and giving an account of his motives. All of us have a little of you in us, Papaw, even your great, great grandbabies do. Your legacy will live on for generations.

I didn't understand why my mom cried the day I moved out of the house to start out on my own. Why couldn't she have just been happy for me for once? I wish I would have known that her life was changing too. I'm sorry Mom, I get it now. We were very different, but you were my mom. No one will ever replace you. 

I didn't understand how hard my dad was pushing most of my life just to get through another day of the pain from injuries he suffered in an accident at such a young age. I wish I could have known how to help more to lighten his load instead of resenting household chores and yard work. I'm so proud of you, Dad. You were truly a warrior.

I didn't understand how hard my Granddaddy's life probably was growing up. When my "I love you's" were returned with a stern "Yeah.", I didn't know how hard it was for him to receive true love. I look like you, Granddaddy. I still have a quarter you gave me for Christmas when I was 10.

I didn't know how short life really would be when I told my Granny I would come see her again soon, only to spend my weekends with people who aren't even part of my life now. I wish I could have just even a minute of the time I wasted that could have been spent with her and eased some of her loneliness. So much of you is ingrained in me, Granny. I hope my grandbabies see a little of who you were in me. You're the reason I chose my grandparent name, Granny.

I didn't know the last time I saw my big brother would be the last. I wish I had hugged him a little longer. I wish I had known how short his life would be. I wish I had told him how as a child I always idolized him. I always felt safe when Kevin was nearby. "Three of us" never sounds right. We were four. I miss you, Kevin.

As I get older, I get it. Life has a way of teaching us even when we don't know we are the students. Lessons learned.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

What's Your Theme?

What's your personal theme?

Today, I found myself thinking about life, which I often do. I started pondering, "What is the core theme of my life?" If you really stop and think about it, we all carry a theme underneath our attitudes and actions. I would have to say for me, my life's theme is thankfulness. 

I don't ever want to forget what my life was when I was just starting out. I still let myself think back often, almost daily, in fact, to the years that I struggled to find happiness and make my own way. I put up with so much disrespect and abuse, all for the sake of not being alone. I lived in rented trailers and apartments, using scraps of furniture that were handed down to me from various people and places. At the end of winter, I bought things for next winter from the clearance rack at Hill's, and I bought summer clothes for next year at the end of summer, too. 

I didn't have a car, so my dad picked me up and delivered me to the shop where I worked each day. Eventually, I bought my first car, a 1978 Mazda GLC hatchback, for $800. I had saved up a Christmas account that year, and cashed it in early and asked my boss for my paycheck a few days before our normal Monday payday so I could buy it off the lot that Friday. I couldn't believe I actually had my own car!

I often survived on groceries my sweet Nanny brought me in what she called "care packages". In one of my poorest moments, I added some Italian spices to a can of tomato soup she had given me to make a batch of spaghetti sauce that I ate every day and night for over a week! I remember envying the meals my coworkers ate most days from Bassett's in the mall where our shop was located. Nearly every day, I ate a Snickers bar and a Coke for lunch, an 86 cent meal that got me through the day just fine, even though those green beans and fried chicken the others had sure did look good! (I actually came across my old checkbook registries when we moved in 2012 and saw how many checks I wrote to Eckerd's for my candy bar and soft drink lunch all those times!)

Somehow, through the grace of The Good Lord, I was never a day late on a bill, and I always had enough money to pay my rent, utilities, car insurance and gas. I didn't have any health insurance, but thankfully didn't have any sickness or big events during those years. 

I was in the shop from 8:00 am until 8:00 pm most days taking every walk-in I could get, along with being the only one working every holiday that I could get by with, even if the shop was officially closed (the receptionist at that time hated me for that, but she had no idea how detrimental that day off would have been to me financially!). 

God was so good to me, even when I didn't recognize that He was The One providing for me. So now that I understand it, I don't ever want to forget those days, the days of being the lost little 18 year old girl, trying to figure it all out and make it on my own, learning some hard, hard lessons along the way. 

Jesus was always there, always stepping just before me and showing me the way. For that, I'm still so thankful all these years later. I'm certainly not wealthy and never will be, but I still can't believe I have my own house, my own yard and my own driveway (and not a parking lot!). I have a wonderful husband who loves and respects me, and I have children and grandchildren that fill my life with purpose and value, all of the things I always wanted the most. 

Thankfulness is always at the root of my thinking. Each night as I close my shop door, I thank God for each soul who walked through that door that day. When I spend the day cleaning my house, I thank Him for having this house to clean. When I pay for gas, I thank Him for the car I have to drive and the money He provides for gas. When I lie down at night, I thank Him that I'm tired from a day filled with the responsibilities of the blessings He has given me. 

Still to this day, I have moments of awe at what a wonderful life I have been blessed to live. His grace and mercy are sufficient. Just like God says He will, He does, in fact, make beauty from ashes, and His love never fails. Not once. I am so, so thankful!

What's your theme?

Proverbs 27:19

As water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart