Hard Reset. That's how I would describe my 2023.
I was listening to Focus on the Family this week and the subject was starting the new year with bettering yourself and getting rid of old habits. One thing the guest speaker, Debra Fileta, said that really resonated with me was that we all have a well that we give from, and that it's possible to pour so much from that well into others that we are left with nothing but the muddy gunk at the bottom for ourselves.
For most of my life, I've been a caregiver in some form or another. It's a running joke in my family that as a child, I ran around and waited on everyone like a hired servant..haha! Even in my single years, I used most of my time and energy accommodating what others expected of me, never expecting or demanding anything back. Once I was married, I dove right into being a wife and then a mommy with everything I had to give going to my family. Then, before my youngest child was through high school, my parents began to decline. I took the reins and did absolutely everything I could to help them live through their final years as comfortably as possible for what they were going through.
Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. I don't resent one second of any time I've spent caring for those I love the most. I always viewed it as a blessing that God allowed me to have the time and energy to serve in that way and to pour whatever I could into others who needed the help. He gave me this jump-in-and-do-it personality and all this pent-up energy for His purposes, and I fully accept that and am thankful for it. I would do every single thing the same if I could go back and do it all again.
I actually loved nurturing and taking care of my loved ones. It was my purpose for so many years! But now that life has suddenly taken a turn, I find myself having to reevaluate my priorities. I honestly don't remember in any of those seasons ever thinking about what I wanted or how I felt, if I was tired or needed help myself. It was just the way life was and how I needed to be during that time to keep pushing through and keep everyone going. I pushed through migraines, sickness, injury, stress, and anything else I was dealing with and just kept pressing forward like the Energizer Bunny!
But, once my parents had passed and my boys had grown and flown, I found myself sort of lost. What was my job now? Who am I? What is my purpose at this point? I had to try to remember who I am besides a caregiver. I really hadn't ever thought about that! The truth is, who I am now is not really different to who I was before all those years of caregiving, but I'm definitely not who I was in my young, single years (thank you Jesus!) when I could have taken time for myself but didn't. I really had no idea what I like to do, or what makes me happy...not what makes everyone else happy, but what makes me happy? What fills my well?
So, 2023 became a journey for me. It was time to find me. It was time to enter a season of nurturing myself, meeting my own needs, really for the first time in my life. I had no idea how to do that, but I began asking The Lord to help me find my way to freedom.
Thankfully, I have the most supportive husband to walk alongside me. We, as a couple, really had never focused on us either, and that needed to change as well. I spent much time in prayer asking The Lord to show me my purpose, and our purpose as empty nesters. I knew I didn't want to waste the time before me. I wanted to make the most of our time in this season while we are healthy enough to get up and decide what we want to do for the day and actually be able to do it. I realize that won't always be possible as we age. I want to use this time learning to care about myself and for Dave and me as a couple without feeling some sort of guilt for doing that.
It turns out that it's not easy. I know in the last year we've unintentionally hurt feelings. We've declined dinner invitations, turned down group vacations and gracefully declined offers of side jobs we used to have to take to survive. We have backed off from committing ourselves in every spare moment we have available. And let me tell you, as hard as it is to do, it feels great!
For the first time in my life, I feel free. Free from feeling stretched so thin I'm about to crack. Free from going along with what everyone else wants to do, even if it's not the right thing for me. Free from my time being pre-planned for me every minute of the day. Freedom to be who God really intended me to be! Freedom to invest into others in ways I've wanted to do, but haven't had the time. Freedom to learn new hobbies, spend the day painting, stay at home all day, or not have to set an alarm on my off days. Freedom to have more intentional time with God. Freedom to not feel guilty about any of that!
This new season we have entered is full of new adventures and freedoms that we are starting to allow ourselves to enjoy. Grown children, grandbabies, second, third, fourth, tenth and thirty-first honeymooning! Sitting under the stars, riding through the countryside, tinkering around antique stores and sleeping in on Saturdays. Instead of feeling sad about what we have lost, we are focusing on what time we have left, and how we plan to use it. We still want to honor God in serving, but part of that is taking care of the body, soul and mind He gave us so we are fully equipped to serve Him in the right way: willfully from the heart, not from obligation, fear or guilt.
Here is another important part of what I heard this week while listening to the broadcast I mentioned: Self care=soul care! Mark 12:31 says, "Love your neighbor as yourself", meaning we need to love ourselves too, not love our neighbor instead of ourselves. Even Jesus took time to rest. We all need to take time to rest from being everything to everyone and take care of ourselves too. Then your true self will be able to shine through. Then you will be free. ♥️
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