Hang on, Baby

When my boys were babies, I heard a Christian speaker say that when her kids were small, she had a rule of never being the first to let go when they gave her a hug. She believed that sometimes kids won’t come to their parents and say, “I’m scared”, “Im stressed”, “I need to feel loved”, and other feelings children struggle with sometimes. If you pay close attention, though, you can often read these things by observing their actions.

After hearing this, I made a conscious choice to always parent by that thought. When my toddlers came up and climbed onto my lap, I never had them sit down beside me instead. Sometimes I had all of them sitting on me at once, and sometimes my legs went numb! Still, I made a choice to let them hang on as long as they needed. I also did the “no limit hugging” the speaker suggested. As they got bigger, I never quit practicing this habit, and my boys never quit hugging. Some of their hugs were short and sweet. Sometimes the hugs were ambush hugs, where they ran up while my hands were occupied in dishwater or bread dough and gave me a quick on-the-run hug. Many times, though, the hugs were long. Awkwardly long. Those were the hugs I knew they needed most. 

My boys are 22, 20 and 14 now, and the rule still applies. Just a couple of weeks ago, one of my sons was going through a trial that created a lot of stress for him. He stepped up to give me a hug, and I wrapped my arms around his waist as he laid his head on my shoulder. He stayed. He stayed a long time. This boy, who is expected to be a man and who takes pride in handling things himself, needed to know he wasn’t alone. He needed to feel safe, loved and protected. 

I think about those hugs I’ve gotten like that over the years. I feel thankful that my boys know that no matter what they are going through that Mom is right here with them through whatever comes. I love my boys and want them to always think of me as constant, reliable and available. I want them to feel like no matter what, Mom will be there for them.

I don’t know how to fix all my sons’ problems, and I don’t always know how to tell them how to solve them. I do know that no matter what life throws at them, it comforts them to know that someone has their backs. The power in a genuine, heart-felt hug can make everything seem ok, at least for a moment. And knowing that door is always open, and that you can hang on as long as you need, is sometimes enough to get you through another day. 

Raising Your Kids in a Choice Hotel

Today my soon-to-be daughter-in-law and I were discussing my boys and their antics over the years and we talked about what all things kids can get into that the parents might not always know about. I think sometimes we are better off not knowing everything! All kids get into mischief at times, some more than others.

I have to say though, as far as boys go, I have some pretty good ones. Overall, I have had very little serious trouble with any of them. Sure, they did some things here and there that disappointed us. Yes, they made mistakes (and so did we as parents!). But, when I look back now, especially knowing more at this point about times they had to make certain difficult choices on their own, I am super proud of them and the choices they’ve made. I am always aware, however, that we are all one choice away from ruin at any given moment. My boys are human, and all of us are fallible.

When raising children, most parents desire to raise them the “right” way. But how do you know if raising your children right is going to actually lead them to practice what you teach them? What makes one child go the straight and narrow way and another child in the same family go off the rails? I’m sure personality is a part of it. Birth order seems to have some bearing on behavior and personality as well. Genetic disposition might also be to blame. In some more extreme cases, mental illness may even play a part. 

It is our responsibility as parents to help our kids make the best life choices until they have the insight to make them on their own. Still, no matter how hard we try, some will still rebel against us. When it comes down to it, the real problem we all face as parents is remembering that our kids were born with a sin nature. 

Ezekiel 28:15

You were blameless in your ways from the day you were created till wickedness was found in you.

Yes, that sweet little baby you bring home from the hospital, all innocent and precious, is born into this sinful, fallen world. He will one day soon lie about eating that cookie. She will say that bad word you’ve warned her not to say. As the years go by, the issues are bigger, more serious issues. As teens, they’ll be faced with choices about drinking alcohol, taking drugs or having sex. Their choices can lead to big problems for the parents. Once they become adults, their choices about many of these behaviors as children can morph into strongholds that last a lifetime.

So how do we protect our kids? We can start by being strong as parents. From the very beginning, they need to know you will call them out when you see them making the wrong choices. They need consequences every single time. They need to be reminded that you love them too much to allow that “thing” to become a stronghold in their lives. Of course, they need to see you practicing what you preach as well. With some kids, you can nail this down fairly quickly. With others, it’s a never-ending process! Either way, you can’t give up! I have always thought that what’s best for the child is usually what’s the hardest thing for the parents. If parenting is easy, you are doing it wrong!

My middle son had a friend who made some really poor choices for himself in high school and he reaped the consequences of them, leaving his parents heartbroken. The parents were good, Christian people who were trying to raise him right. When my son spoke of this boy and what he was doing with his life, I often voiced how sorry I felt for his parents. I pointed out how much that must have hurt them to see their son go that way...this boy they loved so deeply was causing himself so much strife, one bad choice at a time. Then, I would tell my son that as a parent myself, I understand that their goal was for that boy to have success and happiness in life, and that I can promise that I would go to the ends of the earth to keep him from making the same bad choices as his friend. Even if that meant being in his business, even if that meant making him mad, even if that meant looking like a fool if I was wrong, I was not going to be afraid to guide him the right way, and he knew it. 

I said all those things to him because I wanted my son to feel confident that someone had his back, but I also wanted him to think about how his choices would affect me and Dave as parents. Not only would he break our hearts if he chose trouble, but we would also be held responsible for his wrongdoing while he was a minor. I wanted him to know we would give him freedom to make most of his own choices, yet we weren’t afraid to step in where we saw him teetering too close to the line. I also reminded him that his brothers were influenced by his choices as well, and that he carried some responsibility in leading them well. I have had this talk with all three of my boys at one time or another. My main goal for all of my boys was for them to think, and not just do.

My middle son and my oldest son are now grown and on their own. Even still, my boys are all at risk for making poor choices. The difference is, now for the older two, I am no longer responsible for those choices. Now, it is completely up to them, as are the consequences that follow. They have free will, and as adults, they have plenty of opportunity to do whatever they choose. I hope they choose well, and I know without a doubt that we have given them every opportunity to succeed as upstanding individuals. But, that’s where our responsibility ends. From here, it’s up to them. 

If you have young kids, you have a big job ahead of you. Are you up for the task? Give your children the gift of your determination for them to grow into the adult you hope they will become (James 1:12). Don’t give in to the easy route when a little work is required. Have their friends come to your house so you get to know them. Help them choose good friends (Proverbs 13:20). 

They need you. They don’t know what they’re doing yet! They actually want your guidance, even if you feel rejected (Ephesians 6:4). They need to be allowed to make many of their own choices, but they also need help knowing the pros and cons of each choice (Ephesians 5:15). They need boundaries to feel safe and secure. They need you to be the bad guy sometimes, so they can blame you for not allowing them to go to that party that maybe they weren’t sure about anyway! 

Be that mom or dad (Proverbs 22:6). Check out their social media posts. Look at their phones. Get in their business! As they grow and mature and make great choices, your job gradually diminishes and things get easier. Give more freedom where it is earned by good choices. 

Pray....and pray some more. Ask God for His hand of protection over your kids. Ask Him to help you know the next move you need to make as a parent (Ephesians 6:18). Teach your children about God and His plan for them (Proverbs 19:21). Live what you teach (1 Peter 5:2-3). Then one day, when the choices they make are no longer yours, you can release them and know they’ll be okay (Hebrews 12:11). They will make you proud, and you won’t regret one minute you spent in the process. Teach them to choose well.

Dad to Three, Hero to Me

I am proud to say I am married to the World's Greatest Dad!

When Dave and I married 25 years ago, I knew he would be a good husband, but I really couldn't imagine what life with children would be like at that point. Then, just 2 and a half years later, we welcomed our first son.  Life as we knew it was forever changed!

During those newborn days, you sleep if and when you get a chance. Most babies are awake about every 2 hours for the first few weeks, and then several times a night for several months. Before having babies, I always envisioned being sound asleep and an alarm clock going off all throughout the night. I thought about having to wake up every couple of hours from a dead sleep and take care of a crying little person. I really dreaded that, as I am a "sleep diva". I don't function well with little or no sleep! God is merciful, though. It turns out, you never sleep that deeply again once you have a child, and you don't even have to think about it..you jump up to the task before your brain has even realized it's 3:00 a.m.!

Then there were the nights when the boys woke up sick...I mean really, really sick. Like, having to strip the bed, strip their clothes, start a load of laundry and put the baby in the tub at 3:00 a.m. kind of sick, sometimes multiple times in one night. On the flip side of that, we had a few nights where our sweet sons just felt good in the middle of the night and wanted to get up from bed and play at 3:00 a.m.!

As the boys got older, we had less of "those nights" and more of the "can't get them up in the morning" mornings! We were always scrambling around like crazy people trying to get out the door on time. We had clothes to iron, teeth to brush and hair to comb, making sure everyone was fed, had coats and shoes on and had whatever gear we needed for the day. We all piled in the van and backed out of the garage, and then often pulled back into the garage to retrieve the one thing we left behind. It was always a challenge to get out the door.

Once the boys were teens, we had to make difficult decisions about how much freedom to give and where to cut the strings of parenthood, allowing them the freedom they needed to become adults. They got jobs and girlfriends, and chose friends we didn't always know. They had cars and money of their own. They were beginning a life of decision-making and independence.

Now, we are 2/3 empty-nesting. Our house is very quiet now, compared to the previous 23 years. Two of our boys are on their own. We still have one left and are hanging on for dear life!!

It all has went really fast. I often think back to those years when our boys were young and how sweet those days were. One of the main reasons those years were so sweet was because of their dad. Even when I was pregnant, Dave leaned in at night and read Dr. Seuss books to my belly. When the babies were new, he was right there with me at the 3:00 a.m. feeding, bed-stripping, bath-giving, diaper-changing moments. Many times when I was about to my breaking point with exhaustion, he came in and sent me to bed and sat in the rocker with the baby.

Dave was the one carrying the baby around in a restaurant so I could eat. He was the one who drove up to the door at the grocery store so the baby and I didn't have to get wet in the rain. He was the one in the floor with them in the evenings, growling around on their bellies just to see them smile. He was also the one asleep on the couch with a baby on his chest.

When the boys played sports during their elementary school years, Dave was always their coach. When we had birthday parties for them, he was pouring drinks and handing out plates to the guests. When we finished dinner each evening, he spent time playing basketball in the driveway or football in the yard with the boys. He spent much of our yearly beach vacations playing in the pool or ocean with the boys.

 
 

He attended every game, play, concert and special event they had. He taught them how to tie a necktie and how to treat women with respect. When the boys were teens, he helped me know when to let them go and give them the freedom they needed to thrive. He was the voice of reason on what they were ready to handle and how far to let them go. Now that the two older boys are on their own, Dave spends many evenings and weekends helping them out with their cars and homes. He has taught them how to work on their cars and repair things around their houses.

As proud as I am of all these things, I'm most proud of the example Dave set for our boys of what a dad should be. He modeled hard work, unconditional love, sacrifice and what makes a man a "real" man. He showed them Jesus. He taught them to be honest and accountable. He gave them the gift of his time and attention..the most important things a dad can offer his sons. He freely hugged, encouraged, and lifted the boys up. He said 'I love you' often. He said 'I am proud of you' regularly. He still does. My boys have never known a time when they had to question their dad's love for them, and I am ever so thankful for that.

So when I say I'm married to the World's Greatest Dad, I know that my husband is a rare jewel of a dad. I am so thankful for him and the legacy he has created for my boys to someday follow once they are fathers themselves. He has given them the gift that keeps on giving for generations to come...a father's love, clothed in time, personal connection, and affection. When I look at my boys today, I'm proud to see a reflection of him shining through them. He's not just any dad..he's the greatest.

Are You Raising the Next Billy Graham?

I was just talking with a friend who is making a bold move of faith. She is quitting her job!

As an occupational therapist, that's giving up a significant part of her family's income. Why would she do this after so many years of college to prepare her for working in her field of study? Why would she be willing to cut finances so drastically after proving herself in the workplace for all these years? The answer can be found in one word: motherhood!

Nothing changes your life like a baby. For the first time in your life, you have to be completely responsible for another human's survival..a tiny human who can't do anything for his or herself. That in itself is quite a daunting task, but what many don't realize is our job doesn't stop at just keeping them alive. We are shaping the next generation when we raise our children. We are their primary spiritual leaders, and that may be the most important title we ever own.

I recently watched an interview with Billy Graham's mother that was taped many years ago. She was a strong Christian leader, and by all accounts had raised her children first and foremost to love The Lord. But did she know she was raising "The" Billy Graham? Maybe the most influential and long-standing spiritual leader of the generation, standing beside presidents and dignitaries from all over the world?

I'm in no position to answer what God may have revealed to Mrs. Graham all those years ago, but what if she had not trained Billy for what he might do for this world and for God's Kingdom? What if she had never led him to seek God's word in a trial, or to pray about his life's path? What if Mrs. Graham had just simply provided a home and nice things to her children, and maybe even love and attention as well, but no spiritual leadership and no example of faith?

Billy's testimony doesn't just speak of how God used him. His children are all involved in ministry, as well as some of his grandchildren. Just think how many people have been touched by these generations of leaders! I can't imagine how many souls are in Heaven today at the feet of Jesus Himself because of this family and their faithfulness.

Billy Graham's mother may not be where it all started. Her mother or father and their mothers or fathers may have led them to The Truth so that they could lead their young to Christ. Each person who invested into the other has a hand in Billy's ministry, and a part of each soul who was saved because of it. Our spiritual leadership over our children will have repercussions for generations to come as well.

In my own opinion, I bet Mrs. Graham never knew how instrumental Billy would be in this world for God. I bet she was an ordinary mom, like me and you, who simply made choices for her family in obedience to God Himself. That's where it starts, and then God does the rest.

I'm proud of my friend's leap of faith in being obedient to what God has called her to. I am excited to see how God will bless her family, and I have no doubt her little baby boy will be better because she is leading him on this journey. Who knows, she may be raising the next Billy Graham.

Deuteronomy (NIV) 6:6-7

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

3 John 1:4 (NIV)

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

Fly, Little Bird, Fly

This is the last few days for my oldest son to live at home with us. For 22 years, this brown-eyed, sweetheart of a boy that made me a mommy has blessed our hearts with more joy than he could ever imagine. For as long as I can remember, he has filled our home with music, a talent that was instilled in him from birth. I've been trying to prepare myself for the looming silence that's coming in a few days, the blatant absence of guitar riffs streaming throughout the hallway each night. 

As my oldest baby prepares to move into his new home this week, I'm left once again with another empty spot in my nest. It's all good and I'm super proud of him, but it's still hard on mama birds to watch their babies fly the coop. It just will take us some getting-used-to.

Hagen and his fiancé, Emily, have dated for several years, and she is perfect for him. She is everything we prayed for, and I have no doubt that they will have a great life together. Once they marry this coming September, they will begin their journey as one and they will start writing the pages of their own book, one that I am sure will make me proud!

Today, I got a glimpse of that future fairytale. I went into the house that Hagen will live in for his last few months as a single man, and where Emily will join him after their marriage. It's just the perfect size for a young couple, yet big enough for a new family once children come along. I stepped into the kitchen and imagined how excited they'll soon be to host family events and entertain friends around the dinner table. Looking out on the back deck, I could see them, in my mind, relaxing after a long day of work, just the two of them, talking into the wee hours of the night as they sit beneath a blanket of stars overhead. I thought about their first Christmas tree that will proudly shine in their front window for passers-by to see. And then I stepped into the smaller bedroom, the one just beside the master. "This...", I thought, "This room will be filled with sweetness one day!" Stuffed bears tucked neatly into the corner, a stack of pastel blankets on the shelf in the closet. Sounds of lullabies filling the air, sweet smells of new baby skin wafting lightly through the room. Seeing my baby boy become a father one day to his own baby...oh my. Today, I'm officially passing the baton to my son and daughter-in-law. It's their turn to fly!   

I don't think they can truly imagine what blessings await on this flight they are about to take. I know I couldn't have known that either when Dave and I were starting our life together 25 years of blessings ago. But this ol' mama can see from this side that the best is yet to come for Hagen and Emily! Of course I want them to enjoy being a couple first, for as long as they feel they need to wait before the responsibilities of family come along. But a mama can dream, can't she? And I'm dreamin' of babies 😌

Psalm 37:23-24
If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand

Raising Husbands from Little Boys

Boys are loud. Boys are messy. Boys like bad smells and gross things! Then they grow up into men. Men are loud. Does your husband watch sports? Men are messy. Have your husband demonstrate how to wrap up the bread after he makes a sandwich..I bet the little twist tie thingy is left on the counter (along with the bread crumbs) as he believes the twist and tuck is good enough for now. And smells and gross things?? Well, we won't even go there! Now, I certainly realize that not all men fall under this stereotype, but as a mom of three boys (all three with completely different personalities) as well as two brothers and six nephews, I can say with much assurance that these are very common traits among the male species.

As a mom of these little creatures, we sometimes feel like we are fighting a losing battle as we try to combat all the "boyness" that lurks within our little guys. Our real mission here, though, is not to fight it. Our real mission is to use these unique traits to mold and shape our boys into the men God intended them to be one day. It's hard to imagine when your baby boy is toddling around in a diaper that he will one day be a grown man and someone's husband. Mommies don't ever want their babies to grow up! I can tell you, though, I was never a mom who wanted to rush a minute of it away, and it's still hard for me to believe my boys are now 22, 19 and 14. It seems like I blinked my eyes and this parenting journey is almost behind me. 

It's never too early to think about who your boys will become as adult men. Pray for your sons! Pray for them now, but especially pray for who they are to be. Pray for God to lead them where He would have them go. 

I prayed over my babies from the time they were born. I would hold them in my arms and pray. I would go into their rooms as they slept and pray. I would pray for them as I drove to work in the mornings. I prayed for them a lot. But then I had an acquaintance stop me cold at church one day and she told me I needed to start praying right then for my boys' future wives. I mean, I just spoke to her, she spoke back, then she came straight over to me and said, "Lisa, you need to start praying right now for these boys' future wives!" She told me her own personal experience and testimony of her new son-in-law and how perfectly God had sent him! My boys were only 1, 6 and 9 years old! I thought she was crazy telling me to think of their wives! That would be would be eons away! I did go home and think about it though, and I soon began to pray over the women they'd one day meet. I prayed for their purity, their hearts to be protected, their physical safety and their salvation. I prayed for a God to send them to my boys at the right time in each of their lives.

Once I began to pray for my boys' future wives, it occurred to me that they would one day be husbands. I needed to get to work on these grimy, smelly little critters! From that point forward, my parenting style changed. My goal was much greater than my benefit now as their mom, my goal was for them to benefit later as husbands. I have several quotes that I use often. Well, the first is more of a question, really:

"Is that the kind of man you want to be one day?" -When my boys justify being a jerk to each other, or anyone else, for that matter, or when they decide it's too much effort to do a job well so they do a halfway attempt instead, I ask them, "Is that the kind of man you see yourself being when you are a husband and father one day?" Of course they always answer with a no! I then explain how they are practicing now for the man God has planned for them to be and He will only trust them with what blessings He knows they are mature enough to handle. How can you be the leader of your household if you can't be responsible for following a few simple tasks? 

Being the head of the household one day is God's plan for all men. Even if they remain single, God expects men to stand on their own and make their own way. In most cases, being the head of a household is the foundation for all other leadership roles. We are robbing our sons of this honor if we don't trust our sons with responsibility early in their lives. We need to show them that we believe they are "men". We need them to believe they can handle cleaning up that mess themselves, that they can handle that teacher who may not be so easy to handle, that they can make some decisions (with our guidance, of course, but ultimately letting them decide and letting them experience the results). We need to teach our men to be gentlemen. They need to still hold the door for those behind them, they need to stoop to pick up something when someone drops something near them, they need to be taught to consider others before themselves. We need to shape leaders, men of courage.

Another quote I use regularly is, "You can't get married until you stop doing ______." For example, peeling socks off inside out and tossing them toward the hamper (notice I said toward, not in). For us moms (and wives), it takes relatively the same amount of time to flip a sock right-side-out as it does to fold it together with it's mate. For each sock that's inside out, you just doubled our folding time. Now, it's not that a sock here and there is grounds for a divorce, but for women, little gestures like that many times a day send a constant message: "You are not valued." Before long, the honeymoon is over and the wife feels more like a maid than a newlywed. Add a baby to the mix, and the stress is more than many couples can bear. 

Now, go back and look at your sweet little boy. What do you hope for his future? Miserable marriage? Divorce? Of course not! For this reason, we need to stay the course! Yes, sometimes we can clean things up quicker and easier than having them do it, but having them do it is an investment in their future as a husband. I want my boys to have a happy marriage. I want them to value their wives. We are in a world that unfortunately requires most couples to share financial responsibility, so the wife shouldn't have to work outside the home plus bear all of the home responsibilities as well. It takes both working at it to keep it up!

Raising husbands is not an easy task. Most likely, a daughter-in-law will still tell you one day that the socks are still in the hamper inside out (if she is one of the lucky few who finds them in the hamper to begin with!). Hopefully, though, she will also tell you how proud she is to be married to such a hard-working, devoted husband. Hopefully when he comes up short he will learn to step up and do more, to continue to work harder, and to always seek God's will in both his own life, and in the lives of his family. And hopefully one day he will raise husbands (or wives!) of his own!

“For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.”

Ephesians 5:23 KJV

1 Corinthians 16:13-14 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.

Adults in Training

It's easy sometimes to forget that we haven't always known what we know now. As adults, we know not to tilt our cup up too high or our drink will spill down the front of our shirt. We also know not to chew with our mouths open...well, most of us do, at least! We have learned what is both appropriate and socially acceptable behavior, and most of us just automatically behave that way. For some reason, however, many of us forget that we once were unaware of those unspoken social "rules of behavior". We were once children who blurted out right in the middle of the family Christmas gathering that we didn't like Aunt Wanda's homemade Christmas gift! (Ok, maybe that was just me 😏)

The point is, children are not adults, they are adults in training! It is our job to mold and shape them into respectable adults who know how to abide by the rules of appropriate behavior, but often parents just become frustrated and irritated at their children because they don't seem to automatically know how to behave like an adult.

I often observe these kinds of exchanges at the psychological analysis observatory I call "Wal-Mart". Many times parents are there with small children and they are attempting to shop for groceries while keeping their little ones safe nearby. Just recently, I turned a corner and headed toward a new aisle where a family was nearing the end of that aisle. The wife was on one side of the aisle with her cart and had one school-age boy beside her. The husband was on the opposite side of the aisle with another younger child, a little girl, who was beside him in the middle of the aisle. I stopped my cart mid-turn when I saw the little girl in the middle of the aisle. She was completely unaware that I was even there. Before I knew it, her dad grabbed her by the arm and yanked her toward himself and barked, "Get over here!" Then he apologized to me that she was in my way. I told him it was absolutely no problem, and I smiled at her and made eye contact with her as she looked at me like she was embarrassed and scared she had done something wrong. As I walked past them I heard him berating her for standing in the middle of the aisle, and he was telling her how she should know not to do that.  Bless her heart. She may have been 7 years old. I'm pretty sure she wasn't being a defiant, mean spirited little girl. She was just being a child.

The way she will learn to be an adult is by the adults around her setting examples of appropriate adult behavior, and by adults, especially the parents, lovingly and patiently guiding her. That same exchange could have been delivered so differently. Imagine that same little girl in that same situation. Imagine that dad saying, "Hey, say excuse me and let this lady come through (directing her attention toward me rather than her feeling the negative attention toward herself).  In that exchange, the child isn't being told she's a bad kid for making a mistake, she is being taught to think about the needs of the other person. The dad was frustrated that the little girl apparently didn't already know not to stand in the middle of the aisle in Wal-Mart. Some adults still don't know that's rude, but yet he expected a 7-year old to automatically know that!

If you look around, you will notice many examples of this, maybe even in your own parenting at times. Don't be too hard on yourself, though. We all get frustrated sometimes. Just remind yourself that children are adults in training. We should not punish normal childlike behavior.  

Punishment should be reserved for defiant behavior. Likewise, childlike behavior should be age appropriate for the child. For example, a 10 year old shouldn't be crying over a toy in Wal-Mart. That becomes defiant behavior at that point.

God gave us these little people to mold and shape, and we have a huge responsibility to shape them into productive, God-fearing men and women! We should be investing everything we have into them spiritually, especially love. A child who feels loved is certainly more likely to show love in return. God loves us enough to allow us to make mistakes as we grow up in Him..shouldn't we have the same mercies with our children?

Psalm 103:13(ESV)

"As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him."

Love Me Less

I always say what's hardest on the parent is probably going to be the best thing for the child. In my experience, that is nearly always the case. It is much easier to just give them what they want than to fight them when you're in "that moment"! One of my most embarrassing moments as a parent tested his theory that I had preached for years, even prior to having children. I had to swallow a lot of crow, let me tell you! But low and behold, my theory proved true! 

It was my 34th birthday, and my entire family of around 15 or so met at Olive Garden for dinner. My husband and I went early to get a table. My 4 year old son was always fairly patient, but I knew when they told us the wait would be nearly an hour that my 15 month old would not fare so well. He was our future president/billionaire/prizefighter/dictator...we weren't really sure yet which direction it might go, but we knew it would definitely "go"! 

Needless to say, waiting was not his strongest attribute. After climbing around in the rocks outside for a while, and then being held like a captured alligator by his dad in the lobby for a few minutes, we were finally called to our table. We were seated, and the waiter promptly handed our little prince a pack of crayons and a coloring menu. His reaction? Just as one would expect a future president/billionaire/prizefighter/dictator would react! Like a rabid monkey on steroids!! He proceeded to swipe not only the menu and crayons off the table, but he swiped EVERYTHING off that was within an arm's radius! Dave and I were frantically trying to grab stuff and get control of the situation as our son began pushing against the table in an attempt to overturn the highchair. He was screaming as though he was on fire! 

Because we had been having problems with this type thing for a few weeks prior to this event, we had started to realize our son seemed to be more into controlling us than enjoying his freedom from the high chair. It seemed like everything had become a power struggle, and we had determined we had to show him we were in control. The way we looked at it, if he began controlling us at less than 2 years old, we would have a huge problem when he became a teen.

So, I made the brave decision of looking him square in the eye and saying, "Cry all you want, it won't do you any good, because you are not getting out of that high chair until we are ready to leave." Well, all systems were go from there!! He amped up a few more decibels! The wait staff began gathering in the corridor, whispering and staring at us. They quit seating anyone near us. 

My father-in-law suggested we pull him out of the seat and “bust his behind”, which I am not opposed to spanking, but at this point with all the audience we had, I was sure someone would accuse us of child abuse if we actually spanked him in public! The icing on the cake was when a very pretentious middle aged woman from the other side of the restaurant came over and said, "Excuse me, is your child ok? Because I could hear him crying from all the way over there and I though maybe he was sick or something and you just weren't doing anything about it." I calmly assured her that he was fine, that it was just an old fashioned temper tantrum, and we'd soon be on our way. We got our food, crammed it down and got out of there as soon as we could. I could feel the silent applause as we walked out. It was many months before I could go back!

We only had one more episode of "restaurant violence" after the big Olive Garden event of 2000, and it was exactly 1 week later. This time we were in Wright's Cafeteria and were in a private room with a partition between us and an empty  room next door. As soon as we put our son in the highchair, he once again started the "I'm on fire, help me!!!" scream. I told him if he started that again he couldn't stay in the room with us (the whole family, this time about 20), and he would have to go into the other room alone. He continued screaming, so I rolled the chair to the room that adjoined our room, made sure the wheels were locked and he was safely strapped in and was not able to push against anything, and I pulled the curtain just enough where I could still see him but he couldn't see us. He fell completely silent. I waited about 15 minutes and opened the curtain and smiled at him. I praised him for being so sweet and invited him over to our side, and he started crying again as if he suddenly remembered he was supposed to still be just as livid that I expected him to actually sit like a gentleman! I re-closed the curtain, finished eating and left him until we were done. From that day on we never had another problem in a restaurant again!

As awful as the Olive Garden night was, it clearly drew a line in the sand for us. Mom and Dad are not weak!! Even though it may have looked that way from the Olive Garden side, we were only concerned how it was being perceived by our child. If he had gotten out of that high chair, even for a spanking, he would have won. His goal was to get out! That's all that mattered. For the strong willed, that pop on the behind, or time out, or whatever you can threaten is worth the win for them getting what they want at any cost! It is all about the win! 

Would it have been easier for us to let him out of the highchair so everyone could eat in peace and we could have not have been embarrassed? Yes! Better for him? NO!! Absolutely not! 

Deuteronomy 6:1 and 2 says, "These are the commands, decrees and laws the Lord your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the Lord your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life." When we have a firm hold on our kids now, they will have a less-stressful life later.

Another aspect of firm parenting is that your children will see you as truthful. If you throw out meaningless threats when they are little, what makes you think they'll believe you when you talk about the consequences of drugs or sex when they're teens? Meaning what you say now is establishing a foundation of trust between you and your child that will last a lifetime! It takes a lot more wherewithal to stand firm and be parents who are in the driver's seat than it does to give your little bundles of joy the reins. It's tough. It's tiring. It's much harder on you...which usually means it's what's best for them.

On a side note, our little president/billionaire/prizefighter/dictator has grown into an outstanding young man who worked hard and graduated high school a semester early, and he has become the youngest manager his employer has ever promoted. He rents his own apartment, pays his own bills and works harder than most anyone I know. He is not afraid to face the unknown and he is confident in the face of a challenge! We are proud that he has used his strong will and determination for good and are excited to see how God will use him along his path to success!

Hang in there, parents of the strong willed! Don't be afraid to stand firmly in the hurricane and being his or her anchor, no matter how big the waves may be. One day they will make you proud, and it'll all be worth it!