Screen Protection

What in the world has happened to our country? I have thought a lot, lately, about how everyone around us is offended over something all the time. When did this happen? I mean, seriously, I don't remember this being such a problem even just ten or twelve years ago!

I believe the source of our problem comes from the rise in social media platforms. Whether it's Facebook, Twitter or YouTube, it's inevitable that if you participate, you will eventually offend someone or will be offended yourself. It seems as though some are sitting behind a screen just waiting on someone to share something they disagree with.

When I began my cosmetology training back in 1981, one of the first points of study was a chapter called "Ethics". We were warned about not sharing our thoughts on many things in the shop for fear of offending someone. Politics and religion were at the top of the list. Inevitably, these subjects still come up in my shop occasionally, and as reasonable adults, we have some great conversations around those subjects, even when we disagree.

I honestly can't remember one time in my entire career that someone has reacted as though they were offended in my shop. I'm not saying they haven't actually been offended at some point, I'm just saying they haven't blown up and gotten in my face and acted like I am a terrible human for even thinking about having a different opinion than they do. Yet, here we are in 2018, and now we have to walk on eggshells all the time because of fear of causing a problem with a brother or sister, friend or neighbor.

The difference? We are fighting this war from behind a screen instead of face to face. Most people still wouldn't talk to their friends (or even a stranger, for that matter) in person the same way they will from behind a screen. 

The screen seems to protect us and at the same time provide some sort of power. We all have our own thoughts about things, and sometimes even while someone is talking with us face-to-face, a thought runs through our minds that something the other person said didn't 'sit well' with us. The difference, though, is that as the other person talks, we can see by their body language and mannerisms that they may not have meant what they said offensively. When talking through a screen we miss those cues, and the way we receive what's said is largely perceived through whatever our mood is for that day.

I posted what I thought was a funny pun a few years ago about a new piercing shop in town. I commented that we need that shop like we need another hole in our heads 😜. I never said I was against piercings, nor did I indicate that I discriminate against those who have them. I genuinely thought that what I was posting was an innocent play on words. I had no more than clicked "post" when I had an angry comment pop up from a former customer who began ranting about how she didn't appreciate me making fun of her "body art", and that I hang pictures on my walls for decoration, and she just likes to decorate her body in the same way. 

I have known this girl all of her life, and in turn, she has known me all her life as well. I had never been rude or hateful to her in the past. In fact, I treated her and her entire family with the utmost respect. Yet, she still read my post with the assumption that I was being rude and judgemental, and her reaction was to bring me down to size as though I was someone who was actually being rude and judgemental. She completely disregarded the good relationship we had always had prior to this one comment that apparently offended her.

I have several friends who have opposing views from mine concerning politics and others who practice a different religion than I do. I still call them friends because once we realized we stood on the opposite side of the fence from each other, we agreed we would not discuss the topic and we moved on. No one has gotten mad, no one has gotten offended and no one has unfriended anyone. We simply agree to disagree! (This is what adults do!)

Can you really imagine a world where everyone is alike, and we all have the same talents and same thoughts? We would all prefer the same foods and we would all share the same hairstyle and clothing style. Really think about that for a minute. Boring, huh?! We would only need one restaurant in town, one hairstylist, and one clothing shop! Imagine the waiting time!!

What makes us interested in each other is the fact that we do have individual thoughts, opinions, styles and preferences. We are all uniquely made! Being different makes us actually have to work at a relationship, and we all know nothing worthwhile is free! Working and investing into a relationship makes it more valuable to us. Relationships grow over the years, like a tree. The longer the relationship lasts and the more it is cultivated, the deeper the roots. I can't imagine why someone would cut down a longstanding, perfectly healthy tree just to show all the saplings how powerful they are with a chainsaw.

We are all different from one another, and that's okay! I always say my opinions and preferences are a culmination of my upbringing, my personality, my own life experiences,  and my convictions before God:

My upbringing-We are all trained and led by our parents, and this training plants seeds of thought in us that we often end up living out.

My personality-Our unique and individual personalities also dictate a lot of our opinions, as they shape how we see the world.

My personal experiences-As we travel through life, we encounter events that shape what we do and don't do from that experience forward, and we file them accordingly. These "files" add up over a lifetime and dictate a lot of our decisions.

My personal convictions-Our personal convictions in our hearts, put there by God Himself, are another reason some stay firm in their thinking.

No social media rant or tirade is going to uproot all those deep-seeded qualities in my heart or yours. All we are doing is destroying friendships that took years to build, and making ourselves look like a horse's behind in the process.

Go to a friend, someone you know who has offended you. Try asking them how you can be friends despite those differences, or maybe even because of them. Maybe you can set an example for others of how to truly love your friend, wholeheartedly and unselfishly letting go of your pride long enough to do so.

We are all in this together. Let it go and get along.

Romans 12:18 NIV

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Proverbs 17:14 NIV

Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out

Philippians 4:5 NIV

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near

The Little Boy I Learned to Love: Finding Forgiveness After Sexual Abuse

I don't think he could have known the damage he caused me. I'm not sure it would have stopped him if he had. Pedophiles are obviously not interested in the welfare of their victims.

I was the perfect victim. My dad had been in an accident when I was a child and spent much time in the hospital, which meant Mom was gone a lot too while she stayed with Dad. I was shy, insecure and needy.

I spent a lot of time with my grandmother, and my uncle lived with her. He was the type of man who, when the adults were playing Rook at the kitchen table, took me outside to throw a Frisbee or pass a baseball back and forth. I thought that was great! I always liked being outside, running, playing and climbing (I'm still not a good sitter!). He had studied me enough to know how to connect with me. He told me I was the prettiest of all the nieces, and he pointed out how Mom favored my sister, always taking her side over mine. I thought, "Wow! Finally an adult that can see that Mom likes her more than me!" He bought me little gifts. He made me feel like a princess.

Looking back now, obviously, all the warning signs were there. Remember, though, this was in the 1970s, and back then, we didn't publicly talk about sex. We certainly didn't know what we know now about pedophiles. This was pre-Adam Walsh. This was also a time in our family that we were just trying to survive!

I kept that deep, dark secret for many, many years. I thought I was fine! I had no idea that it had even had an effect on me.

It did. I spent much of my teens and twenties desperately searching for someone who would love me. I put up with almost anything to be loved. I was used and tossed away like yesterday's garbage. I was stuck in a cycle of choosing the wrong guys because I didn't feel valuable enough to have someone treat me with respect, and then was left feeling even less valued after each relationship ended.

When my life changed in a new direction was after the last dead-end relationship finally ended. That night, I asked God to save me..really save me. I had been saved as a young child, and I knew Jesus was in my heart, but at such a young age, I really didn't have anything in my life I desired to be saved from yet. This night, I surrendered. For the first time in my life, I told God I was totally His! I told Him if he would take me, I would trust Him with it all. Maybe I wasn't supposed to meet someone and get married and have babies like I so desperately wanted. Maybe I was supposed to travel as a missionary, or some other line of work for God that would have been suppressed if I were tied down with a husband and kids. I didn't know why I hadn't been able to find what my heart so desired, but on this night I quit asking "why" and started trusting God for His plan for me, whatever that was!

I literally met Dave less than two weeks later. I was actually very rejectful of him because I was so afraid he was a "test"...maybe God was seeing if I really meant what I said? It took me a while to give him a chance, but after 2 years of dating and 25 years of marriage, I can truly say he was sent by God, but not as a test. He was sent to fill my heart's desires, answering all those prayers I prayed for so long in the quiet of the night.

After marrying my Prince Charming, the hard part of putting all the hurt of my past behind me was just beginning. I had never thought about forgiving my uncle. I had buried all that so deeply that I didn't know I needed to. Soon, though, I began to realize how scarred I was emotionally over all I had endured. My hurt also caused Dave a great deal of pain as he felt rejected and unable to help me. For the first time in my life, I felt mad and cheated because of what my uncle had stolen from me! He took my innocence, my trust in men, and ultimately much of my youth away. I was mad!

I had a dream one night that my family was at a reunion at Steel Creek Park. My uncle was there, and in my dream, I completely unleashed on him! I was fighting him and hitting him and thrashing as hard as I could! He just cowered down and took it, and I beat him so badly there was nothing but a little pile of mush left of him, heaped up right there in the park under the swing set. I calmly walked over, knelt down with a spatula and scooped up what was left of him into a pizza box and closed the lid and threw it away. I woke up with a new perspective the next morning: I can't hold all that in anymore. I have to forgive him!

But how? How can I let go of holding him accountable for all he took from me? One day, unexpectedly, the answer came. My cousin had been tracing our family tree, and she sent me a packet with the information about our family and pictures from years ago. The one that got my attention was this one:

The little boy in this picture is my uncle. He was 4 years old in this picture. It just so happened that my middle son was 4 years old at the time...my little blonde baby boy. Oh my goodness..now here in this picture is another perfectly innocent little blonde-haired boy. He was my grandmother's baby son. He wasn't born a pedophile, he was born an innocent little baby. Someone, along the way, hurt him. Someone probably sexually abused him. Somewhere, someone failed him.

My feelings for him suddenly changed. I no longer wanted to scoop his remains into a pizza box and throw him away! The momma in me wanted to scoop him up into my arms and hold him, and protect him from whatever future thing would change him into the man I knew. I often think of my former pastor saying, "Hurt people hurt people." My uncle was hurt. I felt so sorry for that little boy.

We are all hurting. You may not have been molested, but you may have suffered some other form of abuse. Maybe you were exposed to drugs as a child, maybe you were neglected. Maybe you just struggled to survive. Maybe you are holding on to that hurt and resentment.

If that is you tonight, think for a minute about who hurt you. They weren't born a bad person, sin made them act that way. God still loves them, even in their sin. They are still His little boy or little girl. Pray for them, and ask God to convict their hearts of their sin and ask Him to heal their hurting hearts. When your focus changes from how they hurt you to how they have been hurt themselves, you will find that your compassion for them multiplies. Isn't that just how God sees us all? He loves us all, through the good and the bad..His children..His little girls and little boys.

Galatians 4:7 (NIV)

So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.