I don't think he could have known the damage he caused me. I'm not sure it would have stopped him if he had. Pedophiles are obviously not interested in the welfare of their victims.
I was the perfect victim. My dad had been in an accident when I was a child and spent much time in the hospital, which meant Mom was gone a lot too while she stayed with Dad. I was shy, insecure and needy.
I spent a lot of time with my grandmother, and my uncle lived with her. He was the type of man who, when the adults were playing Rook at the kitchen table, took me outside to throw a Frisbee or pass a baseball back and forth. I thought that was great! I always liked being outside, running, playing and climbing (I'm still not a good sitter!). He had studied me enough to know how to connect with me. He told me I was the prettiest of all the nieces, and he pointed out how Mom favored my sister, always taking her side over mine. I thought, "Wow! Finally an adult that can see that Mom likes her more than me!" He bought me little gifts. He made me feel like a princess.
Looking back now, obviously, all the warning signs were there. Remember, though, this was in the 1970s, and back then, we didn't publicly talk about sex. We certainly didn't know what we know now about pedophiles. This was pre-Adam Walsh. This was also a time in our family that we were just trying to survive!
I kept that deep, dark secret for many, many years. I thought I was fine! I had no idea that it had even had an effect on me.
It did. I spent much of my teens and twenties desperately searching for someone who would love me. I put up with almost anything to be loved. I was used and tossed away like yesterday's garbage. I was stuck in a cycle of choosing the wrong guys because I didn't feel valuable enough to have someone treat me with respect, and then was left feeling even less valued after each relationship ended.
When my life changed in a new direction was after the last dead-end relationship finally ended. That night, I asked God to save me..really save me. I had been saved as a young child, and I knew Jesus was in my heart, but at such a young age, I really didn't have anything in my life I desired to be saved from yet. This night, I surrendered. For the first time in my life, I told God I was totally His! I told Him if he would take me, I would trust Him with it all. Maybe I wasn't supposed to meet someone and get married and have babies like I so desperately wanted. Maybe I was supposed to travel as a missionary, or some other line of work for God that would have been suppressed if I were tied down with a husband and kids. I didn't know why I hadn't been able to find what my heart so desired, but on this night I quit asking "why" and started trusting God for His plan for me, whatever that was!
I literally met Dave less than two weeks later. I was actually very rejectful of him because I was so afraid he was a "test"...maybe God was seeing if I really meant what I said? It took me a while to give him a chance, but after 2 years of dating and 25 years of marriage, I can truly say he was sent by God, but not as a test. He was sent to fill my heart's desires, answering all those prayers I prayed for so long in the quiet of the night.
After marrying my Prince Charming, the hard part of putting all the hurt of my past behind me was just beginning. I had never thought about forgiving my uncle. I had buried all that so deeply that I didn't know I needed to. Soon, though, I began to realize how scarred I was emotionally over all I had endured. My hurt also caused Dave a great deal of pain as he felt rejected and unable to help me. For the first time in my life, I felt mad and cheated because of what my uncle had stolen from me! He took my innocence, my trust in men, and ultimately much of my youth away. I was mad!
I had a dream one night that my family was at a reunion at Steel Creek Park. My uncle was there, and in my dream, I completely unleashed on him! I was fighting him and hitting him and thrashing as hard as I could! He just cowered down and took it, and I beat him so badly there was nothing but a little pile of mush left of him, heaped up right there in the park under the swing set. I calmly walked over, knelt down with a spatula and scooped up what was left of him into a pizza box and closed the lid and threw it away. I woke up with a new perspective the next morning: I can't hold all that in anymore. I have to forgive him!
But how? How can I let go of holding him accountable for all he took from me? One day, unexpectedly, the answer came. My cousin had been tracing our family tree, and she sent me a packet with the information about our family and pictures from years ago. The one that got my attention was this one:
The little boy in this picture is my uncle. He was 4 years old in this picture. It just so happened that my middle son was 4 years old at the time...my little blonde baby boy. Oh my goodness..now here in this picture is another perfectly innocent little blonde-haired boy. He was my grandmother's baby son. He wasn't born a pedophile, he was born an innocent little baby. Someone, along the way, hurt him. Someone probably sexually abused him. Somewhere, someone failed him.
My feelings for him suddenly changed. I no longer wanted to scoop his remains into a pizza box and throw him away! The momma in me wanted to scoop him up into my arms and hold him, and protect him from whatever future thing would change him into the man I knew. I often think of my former pastor saying, "Hurt people hurt people." My uncle was hurt. I felt so sorry for that little boy.
We are all hurting. You may not have been molested, but you may have suffered some other form of abuse. Maybe you were exposed to drugs as a child, maybe you were neglected. Maybe you just struggled to survive. Maybe you are holding on to that hurt and resentment.
If that is you tonight, think for a minute about who hurt you. They weren't born a bad person, sin made them act that way. God still loves them, even in their sin. They are still His little boy or little girl. Pray for them, and ask God to convict their hearts of their sin and ask Him to heal their hurting hearts. When your focus changes from how they hurt you to how they have been hurt themselves, you will find that your compassion for them multiplies. Isn't that just how God sees us all? He loves us all, through the good and the bad..His children..His little girls and little boys.
Galatians 4:7 (NIV)
So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.
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