I almost had a breakdown today in Wal-Mart over, of all things, a bag of shredded cheese! Last night was our first night without Hagen living with us, and overall, I have been doing pretty well. To be honest, between helping him get things done at his and Emily's new home and my dad being sick, I haven't really had time to process that he has moved on. Truthfully, I am so excited for him that I really hadn't felt sad that he has left us. Maybe it's because I am not a first-timer at losing my babies to adulthood. Grant has been on his own for a year and a half now. Maybe it's because he's 4 years older than Grant was when he moved out. It also probably helps that he's only 5 minutes away from us!
With three growing boys and countless other random boys in our home over the last 22 years, we have always bought a lot of groceries. There was always someone looking at me like I was crazy when they watched me load our usual 6 gallons of milk each week into my cart...to which I would always remark, "It would be cheaper to feed a cow!" Then I added the giant bags of cereal, the industrial-sized bags of chicken nuggets, 2 or 3 cartons of ice cream and enough other random groceries to look like I was feeding a small village! I would always say I have to go pay my Wal-Mart tithe..I might as well have handed them $200 as I walked in the door each week!
As I was wandering around the store today after the cheese incident, I thought about an experience I had many years ago. Dave and I had taken our three little boys to Arby's for lunch after church one Sunday, and we sat down in a booth on the opposite side of the aisle of a middle aged couple. I noticed the woman staring at me. I became very uncomfortable, because every time I looked up, she was eye-locked with me! I even said something to Dave like, "What is her problem?! She is still staring at me!" I managed to ignore her long enough to eat, and then she got up and walked straight over to me.
She apologized for staring at me. She said she noticed that I had opened the ketchup packets and squirted the ketchup onto the sandwich paper for the boys. As soon as she started talking, tears started rolling down her face. "My son doesn't need me to open his ketchup anymore!", she cried. She then went on to explain how her son had recently graduated high school, and she and his dad had finished the entire downstairs of their home for him to live in through college. He was their only son, and they envisioned him living there at least the 4 years he would be in school.
Her son's plans, however, were much different! Just that morning, he had come home and proudly announced that he had joined The Army and was leaving the following day for basic training! He hadn't ever mentioned the military to her before, and she was caught completely off-guard. She was devastated! She couldn't quit crying as she told me how hurt she was and how lost she would be without him. I tried to encourage her as best as I could, but from that perspective of having preschool and elementary aged kids, I just couldn't imagine them one day moving away. I felt so sad for her.
So here I am, all these years later, and I'm standing in Wal-Mart holding a 5 pound bag of cheese when it hits me: we don't need 5 pounds of cheese! We are down to just having Coby, and the three of us can't eat that much cheese before the mold takes over and ruins it. I don't need 5 pounds of cheese!! How can that be?! I held it in, but I could have laid down in the cheese aisle and had a good cry if I had let myself really feel what I was feeling. I decided to wait until I got to the car to let it all go, and fortunately the feeling had passed by the time I actually got there.
I have often wondered what happened to the Arby's lady and her son. I've wondered if he made her proud, and if her grieving lasted a long time or if she quickly learned how to live without him. I wondered what life was like for her on the "other side", where her life role was no longer "mommy". By now she is hopefully also a mother-in-law, grandmother and a completely fulfilled woman, and hopefully by now her son realizes how much he is loved and how blessed he is to have a mom who loves him so deeply.
I'm sure she is like me, she probably misses having him close to her. I really miss the chaos of a house full of boys, and I miss the nights around the dinner table listening to all their stories for the day. I miss the constant sound of music playing and the sounds of laughter coming from down the hall. I miss the basketball games in the driveway and the football games in the front yard. I miss the Saturday night Uno games at the kitchen table. I miss all the "normal" that's changed into mostly quiet and serene, and I miss the comforting feeling of knowing all my babies are safely home for the night.
Change is hard, and this phase of life is changing in many ways all at one time. I'm losing my parents and my babies, and the life I've known for so long..the life I longed for so deeply in my youth is phasing out. There is much to miss. But I don't miss the grocery bill that went with it all..or the 5 pound bags of cheese. 😉
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland
No comments:
Post a Comment