Hang on, Baby

When my boys were babies, I heard a Christian speaker say that when her kids were small, she had a rule of never being the first to let go when they gave her a hug. She believed that sometimes kids won’t come to their parents and say, “I’m scared”, “Im stressed”, “I need to feel loved”, and other feelings children struggle with sometimes. If you pay close attention, though, you can often read these things by observing their actions.

After hearing this, I made a conscious choice to always parent by that thought. When my toddlers came up and climbed onto my lap, I never had them sit down beside me instead. Sometimes I had all of them sitting on me at once, and sometimes my legs went numb! Still, I made a choice to let them hang on as long as they needed. I also did the “no limit hugging” the speaker suggested. As they got bigger, I never quit practicing this habit, and my boys never quit hugging. Some of their hugs were short and sweet. Sometimes the hugs were ambush hugs, where they ran up while my hands were occupied in dishwater or bread dough and gave me a quick on-the-run hug. Many times, though, the hugs were long. Awkwardly long. Those were the hugs I knew they needed most. 

My boys are 22, 20 and 14 now, and the rule still applies. Just a couple of weeks ago, one of my sons was going through a trial that created a lot of stress for him. He stepped up to give me a hug, and I wrapped my arms around his waist as he laid his head on my shoulder. He stayed. He stayed a long time. This boy, who is expected to be a man and who takes pride in handling things himself, needed to know he wasn’t alone. He needed to feel safe, loved and protected. 

I think about those hugs I’ve gotten like that over the years. I feel thankful that my boys know that no matter what they are going through that Mom is right here with them through whatever comes. I love my boys and want them to always think of me as constant, reliable and available. I want them to feel like no matter what, Mom will be there for them.

I don’t know how to fix all my sons’ problems, and I don’t always know how to tell them how to solve them. I do know that no matter what life throws at them, it comforts them to know that someone has their backs. The power in a genuine, heart-felt hug can make everything seem ok, at least for a moment. And knowing that door is always open, and that you can hang on as long as you need, is sometimes enough to get you through another day. 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Here is What it Means to Me

In light of Aretha Franklin's recent death, I have found myself thinking a lot about respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Aretha said to find out what it means to me, so here goes!!

To respect is defined as admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements. Some synonyms of respect are esteem, admire, think highly of, hold in high regard, hold in (high) esteem, look up to, revere, reverence, and honor.

Respect is not a rite of passage...respect has to be earned. For example, it is difficult to truly respect rude, selfish people when they show no regard for anyone but themselves. It is also difficult to respect lazy people when others have to carry the load they refuse to carry. It's hard to respect liars, thieves, cheaters and troublemakers. 

It's hard to respect those who have no self-respect. Self-respect is defined as "pride and confidence in oneself; a feeling that one is behaving with honor and dignity." When someone behaves in a dishonorable manner, it rarely elicits respect from others. If anything, respect that was previously established can be gone in seconds with a disrespectful attitude or action. 

Sometimes, respect has to be demanded. In these cases, you may have to walk away from someone because they refuse to treat you respectfully, or you may have to stand up to them and make it known you won't tolerate being treated disrespectfully. Either way, once someone believes they can treat you disrespectfully and you allow it to continue, chances are at that point they really have no respect for you at all, and probably never will. The only way to ever receive respect in this case is by demanding it. Standing up and demanding respect may actually cause them to have respect for you! Most people don't respect a pushover. If you draw a clear line and the other person still can't show you respect, you may have to walk away from that person. Walking away from someone who is disrespectful may actually cause you to have more respect for yourself, once you take the bull by the horns and think of yourself as a valuable person worthy of respect.

If you are prone to being disrespectful, you may not even realize that it is lowering your own chances of being respected yourself. People around you notice your words and attitude, and most are turned off pretty quickly by someone who likes to cut others down to size or make them appear "less-than". Disrespectful people try to appear confident and strong, but in reality they show weakness and insecurity in themselves. A confident and strong person realizes early on they are not in competition with anyone.

We have all been on both sides of the spectrum at one time or another. When I was young and inexperienced, I didn't realize "cute and sassy" or bossy behavior was, in reality, disrespect at it's finest. I also grew to realize that as a helpful, caring, decent person, I deserved to be treated as something of value myself. I have found that the more respect you have for yourself and the more respect you show others, the higher you are esteemed by others along the way. Its a win/win! 

A respectful person strives to admire the good qualities in others and lifts them up, encouraging them along the way. A person with self-respect wants to be seen as someone to be admired and looked up to, and they practice behaviors that result in just that. 

There are many ways to show respect, and few of them require much effort. You can show respect to someone by engaging in what they are saying to you, by opening a door for them or by motioning them in front of you in the Pal's line. You can mow your grass clippings onto your own yard rather than into the road or onto your neighbor's property, and you can show up at appointments or meetings on time, or at least call if you're running late. You can throw trash into a trashcan instead of throwing it into a parking lot or onto the road. Ironically, you can also earn respect by doing all these same things. 

Other ways to earn respect is to practice moral behavior (Titus 2:7-8 NIV). Be honest, be trustworthy, and be faithful (Proverbs 12:22 NIV). Work hard and don't complain (Colossians 3:23 NIV). Think of others before yourself (Romans 12:10 NIV), and treat others the way you would like to be treated (Matthew 7:12 NIV). 

It's pretty simple, R-E-A-L-L-Y. 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T (Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me)..A little respect (just a little bit!) 😉

It's a Short Life After All

Portrait of Dad and Me

Looking back on life, I've known many sweet souls who have finished this race on earth and have gone on to eternity. I still think often of each of my grandparents, and I remember going through the final days with all of them.

At the time, from my younger perspective, I remember being at peace with the idea of death, especially when someone has been blessed to live so many years. What a blessing to get to raise your children, see them establish their own lives and families, and to have the privilege of living to old age.

Now, I'm watching as my dad faces his final days, weeks or months here in this life. For some reason, it doesn't feel so natural for someone to die this time. Don't get me wrong, my dad is a Christian. We have had many sweet conversations about his faith and I know he will be in Heaven, so in that way I will be thankful when his suffering here is over!

I hope it's a long while before the cancer my dad is fighting gets the better of him, but realistically, he has already outlived the typical lifespan after diagnosis. Most make it 3 to 6 months with pancreatic cancer. Dad was diagnosed 10 months ago. Every day is bonus time.

The hardest part about this impending transition from earth to Heaven is the fact that my dad doesn't feel finished here. He says all the time, "I'm ready to go, but I'm just not ready to go." I think it would be easier if he was tired and wanted to go, but it breaks my heart that he still wants so desperately to live.

Life is just so, so fast. I remember as a child trying to imagine being an adult. I imagined being married and having kids, and that seemed so far away at the time. Now, here I am, all that accomplished and heading quickly toward retirement age myself, and the thoughts of dreaming about my future when I was a child still don't seem that long ago. I think about the times that my grandparents died, my parents were around my age now, and like a flash of lightening, here I am in those same shoes. Just as quickly, my kids will stand here too. Life is so fast.

I asked Dad one day to imagine he didn't know his actual age, and if he didn't know, how old he feels like He should be. He is 81 in actual years, but when he thought about it, he said he feels around 60. I am 52, and when I think how old I feel like I should be, I feel around 30. It's not like we actually feel physically like we did at those younger ages, it's that the mind can't comprehend that those years have passed and that we actually are that old. It doesn't seem possible that so much of our lives is spent, gone away and never to be had again.

I was having this discussion with a customer last week. She was saying she always thought if we get to live into our 80s we are blessed. I agree, we are! But when you are the one facing death in your 80s and you only feel 60, you feel sort of cheated. You feel like there's more life to be had, more things you want to do, more things you want to experience.

I have noticed that Dad's mindset hasn't changed, despite his failing body. He still knows how to do things and he still has a desire to do them, but his body won't allow him to do much anymore. He feels useless and frustrated. He tries so hard to keep going and to still do what he can, but there's so much he just can't do anymore. He has days when the thought of his looming death seems to haunt him. I see him feeling depressed and sad much of the time...contrary to his usual witty, energetic self. When he does have a good day, we make the most of it.

Life is just so, so fast. Slow down, enjoy every minute. Even the bad times don't last forever. Focus on the blessings you have right in front of you at this minute. Thank God for blessings you had, the blessings you have and the blessings you will have. All are sweet, and all are fleeting.

Thank God for His promise that those of us who accept Him in our hearts will be together in eternity forever. No more cancer, no more sadness, no more fear. Knowing this in my heart is all that keeps me going. I thank God for this hope of Heaven.

If you or someone you love is suffering tonight and you don't have this promise, please don't wait. Call on Jesus. This crazy place is a trial run..a big, ol', sometimes cruddy, sometimes wonderful, trial run. This is not all there is! Make sure your salvation is firmly rooted in Christ. Speak to those you love about Him. Make sure when you stand in these shoes that you know it's not goodbye forever. You don't have long. Life is so, so fast.

Romans 10:9
If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

Revelation 21:1-7

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them.They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.

I Wish I Had Your Eyes!

One of my favorite things to say to Dave is, "I wish I had your eyes!"  That typically follows an event like him digging through a drawer, convinced that the pen he is searching for isn't there, leaving me to walk up, reach to the left corner of the drawer just under the notepads and beside the super glue and pull out the pen..without even having to look.

Or, it may be as he carries a no-bake cookie across the room, crumbs falling as he takes bites out of it, asking, "What?!" As I look at him disapprovingly because of the trail he leaves behind...that I will have to clean up, and that he is completely oblivious about! Yes. I wish I had those eyes! It's amazing what we don't see when we aren't looking!

We are all guilty of seeing life only through the lenses of our own eyes. We get up each day and go about our business, asking ourselves things like, "What do I want to eat today?" or , "How much time do I need to get this done?" We may think, "I hate that color of blue!" or, "I'm too tired to workout today." Basically, our thoughts tend to center around us..what we want, what we like, how we feel. We can't help it, really. We were born selfish.

Psalm 51:5 NIV 
Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

It's through our own eyes that we filter nearly every word or act before us. Think about the last time you were frustrated over a project or task gone-wrong. As you were in the middle of trying to get the thing back into order, imagine your wife comes in and announces she just wrecked the car. She apologizes, and even cries a little in the process. How many times do we get angry in a situation like this? Lots of times!! We perceive those kinds of events as a personal attack. You might think thoughts like, "I've told her about that curve in the road...she should have driven slower around it! She knows I'm already having a bad day! Just dry up the tears..I'm the one who should be crying!!"

I know I have done that sort of thinking quite often. It's so tempting to see only through our own lenses, forgetting that the other person may be feeling even worse than we are in that moment. Maybe the woman in this scenario has been under extreme stress at work. Maybe she was just in a hurry to get home. Either way, most don't wreck a car on purpose.

Although this is a fictitious account between a husband and wife, how often does this illustrate how we deal with others, even (or maybe especially!) the ones we love the most? How often do we feel like the other person was neglecting our feelings or just straight out abused our feelings?

Looking through our own lenses causes us to get hurt or mad at what someone says because we think they were throwing an insult at us, when maybe the words being said had nothing to do with us at all. It causes us to get frustrated at the person in front of us at the grocery store because they don't notice us trying to get through the aisle they are blocking. It causes us to block the aisle ourselves because we need a certain kind of potato chips that we can't readily find! It is dangerous to live life only looking through our own eyes. When we do, we dishonor God Himself. He teaches us to think of our brothers and sisters and to have compassion and empathy for them.

Philippians 2:1-4
Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 

When you close this page and go about your day, I hope you'll be inspired to lay down your lenses for a while. Put on a new pair...someone else's might be good. See what you see when you really take time to look. Maybe someone else will see your love and compassion for others and will say to you, "I wish I had your eyes!"

How Great is Thou Art

When my son was in kindergarten, he painted me a picture. It was awful! The tree was the wrong color, and the grass was scribbled in a side-to side manner, instead of vertical, like grass is supposed to be! The clouds weren't at all realistic, and the flowers were way out of proportion to the rest of the background. I was ashamed of it! I would never want anyone else to see it. I wanted to throw if in the trash where it belongs!

How terrible of a mother do you think I am? Well, actually, I just made that whole story up! If you have been in my house, you have probably seen much of my boys' artwork proudly displayed for all to see. Because I love them so, I think everything they create is a masterpiece! I look at that sideways grass and think it looks perfect. I love that the flowers are huge! I love that their little minds saw the world in an unconventional way, and I love that they thought it was okay to paint a tree pink. They weren't held back by rules and opinions created by others. They painted the world as they envisioned it to be in their minds. They ran in the door the day they finished it, excited to present it to me and to see my excitement as well.

In my line of work, styling hair, I often hear people critique themselves negatively. They don't like their ears, they don't like their nose, they see themselves as too short or too heavy. People with dark hair wish they were blonde, and people with blonde hair wish they were brunette.

I think often about how sad our opinions of ourselves makes God, The God Who created us exactly like He planned. He put much thought into what color of hair we would have, and whether we would be tall or short. He took little pieces of our mother and father, and our grandparents and other ancestors for thousands of years, and combined each little detail to make us "Us".

What must He think when He sees us look in the mirror with disgust? Do we break His heart that we dislike ourselves so much? In His eyes, we are wonderfully made!

Think for a moment about my previous story. Were you imagining the look on my child's face at the thought of me degrading him? Were you feeling sympathy for how hard he worked, only for me to totally disregard his effort? Would you ever think of reacting the way I pretended to react earlier to an Almighty God, our Creator, if He Himself handed us a hand-painted original He created just for us?

Don't break God's heart. Embrace who He made you to be. Love what He created and appreciate His vision for who you were supposed to be. You are beautiful, and you are exactly who you are supposed to be. Show Him how pleased you are with his artwork!

Psalm 139:14 NIV

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Raising Your Kids in a Choice Hotel

Today my soon-to-be daughter-in-law and I were discussing my boys and their antics over the years and we talked about what all things kids can get into that the parents might not always know about. I think sometimes we are better off not knowing everything! All kids get into mischief at times, some more than others.

I have to say though, as far as boys go, I have some pretty good ones. Overall, I have had very little serious trouble with any of them. Sure, they did some things here and there that disappointed us. Yes, they made mistakes (and so did we as parents!). But, when I look back now, especially knowing more at this point about times they had to make certain difficult choices on their own, I am super proud of them and the choices they’ve made. I am always aware, however, that we are all one choice away from ruin at any given moment. My boys are human, and all of us are fallible.

When raising children, most parents desire to raise them the “right” way. But how do you know if raising your children right is going to actually lead them to practice what you teach them? What makes one child go the straight and narrow way and another child in the same family go off the rails? I’m sure personality is a part of it. Birth order seems to have some bearing on behavior and personality as well. Genetic disposition might also be to blame. In some more extreme cases, mental illness may even play a part. 

It is our responsibility as parents to help our kids make the best life choices until they have the insight to make them on their own. Still, no matter how hard we try, some will still rebel against us. When it comes down to it, the real problem we all face as parents is remembering that our kids were born with a sin nature. 

Ezekiel 28:15

You were blameless in your ways from the day you were created till wickedness was found in you.

Yes, that sweet little baby you bring home from the hospital, all innocent and precious, is born into this sinful, fallen world. He will one day soon lie about eating that cookie. She will say that bad word you’ve warned her not to say. As the years go by, the issues are bigger, more serious issues. As teens, they’ll be faced with choices about drinking alcohol, taking drugs or having sex. Their choices can lead to big problems for the parents. Once they become adults, their choices about many of these behaviors as children can morph into strongholds that last a lifetime.

So how do we protect our kids? We can start by being strong as parents. From the very beginning, they need to know you will call them out when you see them making the wrong choices. They need consequences every single time. They need to be reminded that you love them too much to allow that “thing” to become a stronghold in their lives. Of course, they need to see you practicing what you preach as well. With some kids, you can nail this down fairly quickly. With others, it’s a never-ending process! Either way, you can’t give up! I have always thought that what’s best for the child is usually what’s the hardest thing for the parents. If parenting is easy, you are doing it wrong!

My middle son had a friend who made some really poor choices for himself in high school and he reaped the consequences of them, leaving his parents heartbroken. The parents were good, Christian people who were trying to raise him right. When my son spoke of this boy and what he was doing with his life, I often voiced how sorry I felt for his parents. I pointed out how much that must have hurt them to see their son go that way...this boy they loved so deeply was causing himself so much strife, one bad choice at a time. Then, I would tell my son that as a parent myself, I understand that their goal was for that boy to have success and happiness in life, and that I can promise that I would go to the ends of the earth to keep him from making the same bad choices as his friend. Even if that meant being in his business, even if that meant making him mad, even if that meant looking like a fool if I was wrong, I was not going to be afraid to guide him the right way, and he knew it. 

I said all those things to him because I wanted my son to feel confident that someone had his back, but I also wanted him to think about how his choices would affect me and Dave as parents. Not only would he break our hearts if he chose trouble, but we would also be held responsible for his wrongdoing while he was a minor. I wanted him to know we would give him freedom to make most of his own choices, yet we weren’t afraid to step in where we saw him teetering too close to the line. I also reminded him that his brothers were influenced by his choices as well, and that he carried some responsibility in leading them well. I have had this talk with all three of my boys at one time or another. My main goal for all of my boys was for them to think, and not just do.

My middle son and my oldest son are now grown and on their own. Even still, my boys are all at risk for making poor choices. The difference is, now for the older two, I am no longer responsible for those choices. Now, it is completely up to them, as are the consequences that follow. They have free will, and as adults, they have plenty of opportunity to do whatever they choose. I hope they choose well, and I know without a doubt that we have given them every opportunity to succeed as upstanding individuals. But, that’s where our responsibility ends. From here, it’s up to them. 

If you have young kids, you have a big job ahead of you. Are you up for the task? Give your children the gift of your determination for them to grow into the adult you hope they will become (James 1:12). Don’t give in to the easy route when a little work is required. Have their friends come to your house so you get to know them. Help them choose good friends (Proverbs 13:20). 

They need you. They don’t know what they’re doing yet! They actually want your guidance, even if you feel rejected (Ephesians 6:4). They need to be allowed to make many of their own choices, but they also need help knowing the pros and cons of each choice (Ephesians 5:15). They need boundaries to feel safe and secure. They need you to be the bad guy sometimes, so they can blame you for not allowing them to go to that party that maybe they weren’t sure about anyway! 

Be that mom or dad (Proverbs 22:6). Check out their social media posts. Look at their phones. Get in their business! As they grow and mature and make great choices, your job gradually diminishes and things get easier. Give more freedom where it is earned by good choices. 

Pray....and pray some more. Ask God for His hand of protection over your kids. Ask Him to help you know the next move you need to make as a parent (Ephesians 6:18). Teach your children about God and His plan for them (Proverbs 19:21). Live what you teach (1 Peter 5:2-3). Then one day, when the choices they make are no longer yours, you can release them and know they’ll be okay (Hebrews 12:11). They will make you proud, and you won’t regret one minute you spent in the process. Teach them to choose well.

Hoping Against Hope in a Hopeless World

What happens when we lose hope? I believe we are looking at it.

School shootings, terrorist attacks, home invasions, sex trafficking, drug addiction..the list goes on and on. All of these things seem to be more "normal" as time moves forward. We are rarely even shocked to read them in the headlines anymore.

These things have all taken place since the beginning of time, but there's no doubt the pendulum has swung further toward them in recent years. What has changed? I believe we have lost hope.

When I was a child, we had regular assemblies at school, often led by missionaries or pastors. Where I grew up, the majority of the people in my community were Christian, so no one had a problem with a religion-based program. As a regular Sunday School attendee, most of what was sung about or talked about in these programs was very familiar to me.

I've thought back in recent years, however, about the small percentage of children in my school who weren't involved in church and who may not have had a Christian upbringing. I'm going to guess maybe 15-20% of the school population may have fit into this category. Of these kids, how many may have heard The Good News of hope in Christ through one of these programs, where they may have never heard it otherwise?

Maybe small seeds were planted, prompting a few kids to ask their parents about God. Maybe the little New Testaments they handed out were open and studied. Maybe the child's interest in Who God is prompted the parents to get back into church. Maybe only 1 or 2% of those kids heard something in those programs that spoke to their hearts, but wasn't it still worth it, even if only a couple of souls were saved? 

How many of those children realized for the first time in their lives that we have hope, that this crazy world and all it's hurt is not all we have to look forward to? We will never really know the numbers, but it's evident that our moral decline correlates with the removal of God from our society. 

Those types of assemblies would start a riot in today's time. CNN would blast it on the air and people from around the world would jump in to comment on how unfair and offensive it is to other religions. We are now in a time where God can't even be publicly mentioned without someone being offended. We can't call a Christmas party a Christmas party, it's now a holiday party instead. Store employees are forbidden to say, "Merry Christmas!" We can't collectively pray at the opening of a ballgame at our schools. Teachers aren't allowed to even tell a student they will pray for them for fear of losing their jobs. God has been removed from many things already, and there is still a push to have His name removed from our currency and our courtroom walls. 

A world without hope is a scary place. If this is all there is, we are in trouble. If life is merely survival, and then our bodies and are left to decay in a grave, it's no wonder so many people are trying to escape through drugs and alcohol. If this is all there is, it's understandable why so much suicide is grabbing the headlines, even of people who seem to have it all. If this is all there is, why care about anything or anyone but ourselves. If it's all going to end anyway, just enjoy whatever you want and get it however you can and don't worry about the end result. Just live for today and figure out tomorrow tomorrow.  If this is all there is, what's the point in caring about anything? 

Hope tells us to hang in there. Hope tells us there's more to the story! God encourages us to look toward Heaven and to have hope in Him! 

Psalm 42:11

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Proverbs 13:12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life

Hope in Christ is the only hope we have. If He is real, then He is in control of all the details of our lives and He works all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). If He is real, then this crazy planet is not our home (Hebrews 13:14). He is preparing us a place in Heaven, where we will never again hurt or suffer (John 14:3). If He is real, then our time here is temporary..a trial run..and our eternity will be spent in Heaven (2 Corinthians 4:18). If He is real, we have hope (Isaiah 40:31).

None of us have met with God face to face. None of us know for a fact He is real. Our faith comes from hope, and our hope comes from faith. We have to start by believing The Bible is The Word of God Himself, and from that basis we develop a relationship with Him through faith. Once you trust in Him, He reveals Himself to your heart..you just know He is real. He shows Himself through answered prayer, many times through miracles that no one can explain. He shows Himself through the peace in our hearts, even when it seems like hope should be gone. 

There is hope. You have nothing in this temporary world to lose if you accept that. Trust Him. Ask Him. Follow Him. You have everything to gain if you do. You have hope, you just need the faith to accept it.